With the orange-faced former president under investigation by the January 6 Committee and the Department of Justice, the muse suggested I look into what Melania is up to. Turns out she's keeping a journal, too.
July 24, 2022
THE MUSINGS BEGIN
Now that Donald is in very much trouble (finally), I begin to think about life without him. Oh, easy to say, “Just divorce,” but I have not only myself to think of—Barron and parents, too. So I wait.
I have many burger sent to Donald apartment (extra ketchup, of course). I am hoping for heart attack. I have chic black outfit all picked out, nicer than one for Ivana funeral. Yes, I worry Barron will lose father, but he is very close to his Dedek—grandfather—so when Donald die, almost the same. Barron say to me recently, “Mom, have you ever noticed how much Dad and Grandpa look alike?” (Yes, I notice.)
I am sitting in air-condition suite here at Melan-a-Lago. Actually, not so much air condition as that I chill air with my own attitude. More squint, more cool.
I watch January 6 hearing while getting mani pedi, same as I do on January 6. Then red. Now coral. I do not understand why people so upset. Donald act the same on that day as every day.
My suite of many room is coolest of entire villa, which I have rename Melan-a-Lago. After funeral (which I hope soon), I will sign paper to make legal. In meantime, I am working. Not soft porn (take your mind out of gutter). I have not done that since I engage to Donald and he call me “supermodel.” I am working on freezing Ivanka out of inheritance. She and skinny-man husband have so much money I think sometimes they print in basement. They have $24 million mansion here in Florida, plus skinny man buy entire beach for another $30 million. They do not want people see them, but joke on them. People do not want to see them anyway.
With Ivanka out of will, there is just Junior and Eric. Eric you can distract with shiny object, but Junior need the money. I have start sending many burgers to his apartment, too. Also, I switch his Lipitor with Tic Tac.
In meantime I write First Lady memoir. What I have so far: I was born in Novo Mesto, Slovenia, in house my father build.
I do not let Donald into my suite. I lock door. He is looking more like Steve Bannon every day.
July 26, 2022
I am no longer First Lady, but still Be Best.
Now that I am out of White house, I have normal life. I shop, have hair done, get mani pedi, Botox, and many little nip and tuck to keep cheekbones in place and breasts firm and round like grapefruit. I wish to eat more food but important to keep model figure. Not for Donald. I want to be attractive for my next husband. When too hot to go out, I shop from computer, where everything free.
I keep what is call “low profile.” Except for one interview with Fox Friends in May—when I say everything wonderful —I do not talk to press. Also, I find press not so interested in talking to me.
I am very busy selling my First Lady clothes. Get for free, sell for money. This I learn from Donald. When I auction hat I wear for meeting with President Macron, he hold press conference to say, “Melania who? I don’t know any Melania.” He learn from Donald also.
Best of all, I do not have to think about Christmas decoration or digging up Rose Garden. Washington D.C. was like bad dream.
But, if I am honest, I will say that living in Florida is nightmare.
July 28, 2022
NEED A LIFT?
Today I go for little tweak. This I have done already many times. Nip, tuck, stitch. Not pleasant, but I look good, much younger than Ivanka.
When I am First Lady I go to hospital for “kidney operation.” It was to have squint adjusted. Mascara and extra lashes pull eyelid down, cheekbone implant slipping up. Eventually crash together, so doctor pull everything tighter. Success!
Today more personal procedure. First, little butt implant, because gravity pulling down buttocks. Then—how you say?— facelift for vagina. Donald pay. He will not get to see it, but he pay. I do have question for doctor, though: Why woman need lifted coo-coo when men have no problem with own saggy balls?
But I go through this because I want be in shape for next husband. I just hope soon.
July 30, 2022
I AM BOOK REVIEWER NOW
So, skinny-man husband of Ivanka just publish book, Breaking History: A White House Memoir. Ha, ha. Should be called Breaking Bad. Skinny man make money like meth dealer.
Amazon call book “honest.” Nothing honest about man who make $640 million while work in White House. First of all, should not have been there. Did not qualify for security clearance. (But Donald insist. And you know how he throw tantrum fit when do not get his way.)
Book say skinny man have “no political ambitions.” This I believe. Only ambition is to make money.
Skinny man take no salary. Big deal. Do nothing for White House but do plenty for family business. He get millions-dollar loan for real estate after meet with companies like Citibank at White House. I am in East Wing designing bloody Christmas trees, but I hear about.
Also Ivanka make money. Favorite daughter is part owner of hotel where everyone stay when come to Washington for president business. Room prices raised higher than nazi flag in Donald private suite.
Funny also how she get so many trademark in China, Russia, and Japan. And for what? Handbags. Give me Gucci any day, or nice big Birkin, not something that fall apart when pull zipper.
Amazon say, “Breaking History provides the most nuanced and definitive understanding of a presidency that will be studied for generations.”
This I tell you is not true. Skinny man full of shit. And gas. Maybe book should be call Breaking Wind.
August 1, 2022
A TRIP TO COSTCO
I hear Secret Service talk about BJs and Costco, how much they like. Yes, BJ I know (and do not like, because gag), but what is this Costco?
They tell me is like Amazon but you drive to. I tell my driver, we go. I take mother, who also like to shop.
First problem: Must be member. I say OK and show Melan-a-Lago club card. They do not accept.. I say, this is exclusive club, why not accept? “Lady, this place is the opposite of exclusive. Pay yer $60 bucks and you can come in.” Oh, so cover charge. Why not say so?
Second problem: Mother cry when enter. “No bread line but so much bread!” she say. Tears of joy. Disappoint, though, because no goats for sale. She remember life in Yugoslavia under Tito, when goat necessary for survival.
Shopping cart very large. Driver push. I fill. I buy many batteries. (You know for what. I call it Big Donald. Much better than real thing.) But so many things I do not know. What is measuring cups? What is leaf blower? What is generator? And why buy vacuum cleaner when someone suck up for you?
I see many tools. Also, big bags chip and snack, tub of dips. And cupcakes. Calories everywhere! But no makeup, only Oil of Olay. Sorry, Mexican face cream not for me. What kind of Amazon is this? But when I see giant packs of toilet paper, I put one in cart for Donald. Always on toilet.
People give away food, call “sample.” For me this is whole meal.
Model figure not important for mother. She fill up cart with food. “Could all end tomorrow,” she say. I tell her not worry. I have much money for food in safe box that Donald do not know about. I hide. Many jewels also hide. Never be poor again. I tell driver to put 10-pound wheel of cheese back on shelf.
Even without big cheese we buy very many things.
But still I want to know: Why Secret Service talk so much about the BJ?
AUGUST 3, 2022
TALKING WITH BARRON ABOUT S-E-X
Barron is big boy, almost seven feet tall, but still child. Sixteen. Today we talk about bird and bee.
His father say he already have “the talk” with boy, but typical Donald, he lie. I ask Barron to tell me what he know. He say, “Dad said that when a man likes big breasts and a woman likes money, she lets him grab her pussy.”
How Donald can tell boy this? I am so angry, steam coming out of my whatever! I try to correct. I tell him: “When woman need Genius Visa and man have money, she let him think he can grab her pussy, but not until she have Visa.”
Also pussy: Barron do not understand why cat so important to what he call “the-in-and-out.”
Then he ask where baby come from, what is 69, and how do gay sex. I do not know how to answer, so I say, “I am sorry. I do not speak English.”
Cannot fool boy. He ask me same questions in Slovenian. I think is time to talk to doctor. I take deep breath and say, “OK, we call Dr. Jill Biden. ”
August 5, 2022
I do not like the soccer. It is hot, my high heels sink into grass, and I sweat. And this is just from watching game. But Barron play soccer, and I am good mother. So I go.
I do not drive him to game. For that we have limo and driver. Later, same driver take me to game. Between Secret Service and my giant brim hat, nobody get too close.
Rules of game are simple: Team on one side must get ball into net on other side. You cannot use hands. This is perfect game for Donald, since hands so tiny, but he never play because he do not like to lose. He cheat golf to win, but cannot cheat same way in soccer. (He even cheat Monopoly, which come to think, is not so different from what he do in real life.)
Anyway, Barron like soccer. Barron friends like him. He is happy.
I just hope he do not wish to race bicycle. I could not keep up. Have you ever try to shift gears with perfect manicure? I love son, but not if I break nail.
August 7, 2022
I AM NOT MRS. TRUMP
Yes, I marry Donald. Yes, he is Mr. Trump. But do not call me Mrs. Trump. I am Melania. Mrs. Trump is grandma with big wing hair. Or first wife Ivana, and look what happen to her.
So I try to find better title. First Lady I cannot use any more. Even though I still Be Best, a can no more be First..
Former First Lady sound like I am dead, but I am still living (even if Ivanka say I am dead to her).
Former Flotus sound like what happen when implants deflates.
Ms.Trump too feminist, and I am not feminist. I purr, nor roar. OK, sometime hiss.
Your Highness have nice, how you say, bong to it. I have many shiny diamonds and other gems from Donald. Yes, yes, I give him something in return, but only when carats bigger than little stub he have. (Always I plan ahead.)
One thing I do not wish to be call is Future First Lady. If he decide to run again for President I have nice long chat with Washington Post. Many document I save before he stuff stuff in toilet. Never too late to indict.
August 9, 2022
While FBI raid Donald apartment, I work at desk in my own suite. I am glad he not here, otherwise be flushing, flushing, flushing. (This he do also in White House. Many clog in many toilet.) But I pay no attention. I am busy with this post. So many women wants from me advice I decide today to make special column, Ask Melania. These are some question I get.
Should the man pay for dinner on the first date even if she invited him? Yes, man pay. First date, second date, third date, fourth date, marriage, affair, divorce, alimony. Always man pay.
How soon after the first date should I agree to sex?
Depend on gift, I think. Never too soon if gem involved.
Is it appropriate to accept a gift of jewelry after makeup sex? Of course, yes. Nothing say “I am sorry” like diamond. If sex good, bonus. If not, you have jewelry. If come from Kay, not OK. No sex. Get rid of boyfriend and find man with more money.
My fiancé is of modest means. Recently he proposed with a diamond so tiny you can barely see it. I wear it but I am embarrassed. What should I do? If you cannot see diamond, why wear? If he cannot afford big diamond, why marry?
I got married for the second time recently and now have a lot of duplicate shower and wedding gifts. Is it permissible to regift? Yes, of course OK. Put into Tiffany box. Everything look much better in Tiffany box, even if come from Home Good. Everybody do. When you get married third time, same gift may come around to you again.
I married an older man whose children are close to my age. Although they are my step-children, they are really more like siblings. What is the best way to treat them? Depend on children. Many blend and mix family enjoy each other company and get together even if husband/ father is not giving out money. However, if grown daughter continue to call father “Daddy” and call you “Gold digger,” nothing you do will fix. You will have problem forever.
Is it OK for me to go on vacation without my husband? Yes, yes, many times yes. You are not joined at hip. However, not good idea to tell him if you go with boyfriend. Girlfriend, yes, and if you two get romantic (yes, it happen), he will never suspect. Of course husband pay. Win/win.
My husband has to move for work, but I like where we’re living. Must I relocate as well? If you have prenup, renegotiate. (This word I like.) If no prenup, this is big problem, mostly for you.
My husband is the same age as my father. They look very much alike. Do you think that’s weird? Weird only if they are brothers. I tell you weird: When husband say all the time he wish to “date” daughter. I think is some panky panky.
Do you think it’s right for a father to favor one child over another? It seems very unfair to me. Asking for a friend. Donald Junior, that is you? I am sorry but your father love Ivanka best. You he do not like (sorry, not in will). Eric he feel sorry for (because not too smart, also have big gummy mouth). Barron he often forget about. I must remind is son. Tiffany, he say "Tiffany who?" But do not feel bad. Your father do not like himself very much either.
What is the best way to ask my husband for a divorce? Not always necessary to divorce. Just move into different suite in your villa. You have life you want, he continue to pay. No sex unless you need new home for parents. But if you must divorce, make him think he decide. Then big alimony. If he is much older, just be patient in your own suite. But make sure your name on villa and bank accounts. He die, you get everything. Better than alimony.
August 11, 2022
KEEP THE CHANGE
All my life people call me hot, except for early teenage when they say I look like ostrich. But today, for first time, I am truly on fire. I do nothing to make it happen. I am in shower shaving legs when all the sudden I feel like I am burning up. How can you be sweating if you are already soaking wet in shower?
Must be new implants, I think. So I call doctor to complain. “These new ones giving me fever.” The doctor sound very concern. He ask, “Is the skin around your breasts inflamed?”
“No,” I tell him. “Entire body in flame. Heat rise up from chest to face and head. I burn for two minutes, sweating like Slovenian farmer, and then it go away. I think I am dying.”
“Mrs. Trump, I believe you just had your first hot flash. I can refer you to an endocrinologist, if you’d like.”
Hut flush! What is hut flush? Why criminologist? I do nothing illegal (except when lie for Genius Visa, but that is long time ago). Sex for diamonds is not crime if with husband. FBI already know who is real criminal at Melan-a-Lago, and is not me.
In panic call mother. She say is menopause. I am shock! Even more shock than when she tell me about bleed when I am ostrich girl. I would rather have bleed and cramp than crazy hot..
She say, “I’m sorry, my daughter, but this is what happen when you are in fifties. Change of life.”
I wish to change life (really, is husband I wish to change) but not with hut flush.
August 10, 2022
A BIG SURPRISE
There is something I wish to clear off: I do not tell FBI on Donald. When I call, they say already know.
I do not know about raid. I am in cabana with pool boy. When FBI surprisely arrive, I put on clothes and go to my suite. I am working at gold desk as I hear many men carry out many box of papers. Yes, I am listening.
OK, so I give safe combination. (In this way, they leave mine alone. Also, no papers in mine.)
But they go through my clothes. Do they think I have papers in my pockets? This I tell you: I do not break law. Yes, of course, I enjoy whatever come from Donald business,, but I myself do nothing illegal.
I am not a crook.
Donald return late at night from New Yoek (where everyone hate him). He is so angry, diaper full of you-know-what. Sometimes he ask me to hose him down. (I see little thing get tiny bit bigger. Small price to pay for diamond.) This time double lock door to my suite. Pretend sleep.
This I wonder: How he will look in orange jumpsuit?
If you ask me will I visit him in prison, I say yes. (But thinking no.)
August 13, 2022
I FEED HOMELESS
I try to be good citizen. I volunteer to feed homeless people at soup kitchen. Not so much poverty in Palm Beach, so driver take me to Boca Raton.
I stand behind long table and put food on plates.
Also I offer food advices. For instance, after I spoon out giant blob of mash potatoe, I say to scraggly man, “I give you extra. Take with you what you not eat. Later you can add caviar and creme fraiche for second meal. Heat in microwave. Goggle Martha Stewart recipe for twice-cook potatoe, very good.”
Heavy woman ask for more pasta. I say, Yes, I give you, but you must watch figure. Pilates will trim for you. Also I suggest Spanx to hold in middle. See, I am wearing now, I tell her.
For fashion advice I am also good. Man come in wearing button-down shirt that look very much like Barron shirt I donate. (Barron now over seven feet, growing out of clothes.) I say to button-down man, “Nice shirt. Check around in donation bin for navy crested blazer and repp tie. You will look very prep for country club.”
Grooming advice I offer as well. I tell man with big ugly hair on face that he would look so much handsome if he big trim. Wash often, I say. Beard oil is must-have product for you. Use beard brush. And moisturize rest of face.
Supervisor come over, ask I not offer advices, just smile and make peasant conversation. OK, so I talk about weather. Is hot. People come because hungry. Sorry poor. No home? How can you live without pool? What else to say?
At end of shift supervisor say to me, “Thank you so much for coming to help, Mrs. Trump.” I ask when return. She say wiill call me.
I wonder: With now global warming, when exactly do hell freeze over?
August 15, 2022
When I meet Donald I am young model from Slovenia, living in New York City in tiny apartment. I am looking normal, like every pretty girl, with eye and cheekbone still far apart.
We start to date in 1998. He call me “supermodel” and I become famous. Then he propose me to marry and give big diamond ring. I am surprise because still he is marry to Marla, but I say yes and take ring. Its worth very much money, and I think if he does not divorce Marla, I will sell ring and move into better apartment.
But he divorce Marla and I move into Trump Tower. Also I get Green Card. We marry at Melan-a-Lago (when still call Mar-a-Lago) in big—$2.5 million. (Is entire earning of Slovenia for one year.) I am now American and wealthy woman.
Well, maybe not so wealthy. I sign prenup. This is American word, mean you do not get half. So although I marry rich man, money is not mine. I think maybe he do not really love me. Or maybe not as rich as he say. I sign prenup but only after he promise very big allowance, my own credit card (no limit, of course), and give me many jewel, which I put in safe place (in hem of jacket in case I must leave quickly).
But I learn business from Donald. When he win president and want me to move from big gold tower to White House, I say, “Let’s talk.” Legally I cannot tell detail, but I will always have big house to live in with plenty room for parents and plenty money for spending. Barron also will have what he need for rest of life.
Also, after Stormy situation when I am so mad, I get more jewelry. This time no more hem. Big safe.
August 17, 2022
I SWIPE RIGHT
I will find future husband. Maybe several, like Ivana do. Or if not husband, then at least sex with many hard-body men.
I learn about Tinder. Swipe right. Many times swipe right. Phone battery running low I so much swipe.
I post famous photo of me on fur rug wearing jewelry. Yes, I am little bit younger in photo, but so much nip tuck since then you cannot tell I am 52. I say 25.
I describe myself for what is call profile: I am young, beautiful European woman. I like i walking on beach, holding hands in moonlight, kittens, puppies, sunsets.
Maybe is too much the sugar?
OK, try again: Looking for much sex with hard-body man. Not necessary to pay, but present always accept. Must be able to jump out window, land on feet, and run fast away.
Still I try again: Am big-breast supermodel who arrive from Eastern Europe on Genius Visa. I wish to replace bloated crazy husband with hard-body man who like to sex, sex, sex. Happiest when receive many gift and generous allowance.
Maybe is too much the sex?
I think finally this: I am trophy for right man. Beautiful like statue but well dress and sometimes talk. I wish to live wealthy without work. Also wish to be respeck for my intelligents.
Later I will tell lucky man that parents come with me. Also son. Also Secret Service. If bloated crazy man follow, we say we do not know him.
August 19, 2022
STILL CRAZY HUT
I go crazy with these hut flush!
One time shopping in Palm Beach, try on dress. Suddenly hut flush. Sales lady say to me, “Oh, honey, don’t worry, it happens to all of us.” She do not make me feel better. I am not like sales lady. I do not sell dress in store. I am wealthy woman. do not work. But I am so shame sweating in try-on dress, I buy. Dress so wet plop out bottom of paper shopping bag. I leave on street.
Another time dress up for big event in Ballroom downstairs at Melan-a-Lago. I so much sweat that diamonds wet. Yes, I like to be dripping diamonds, but not when diamonds actually dripping. I go into ladies room and lock door. Take off tiara and stick in front of hand dryer. Very smart I think of.
Today by pool I am talking to hard body man—OK, pool boy, but good to look at—and he whisper to me, “Mrs. Melania, you are hot.” Yes, I am. Sitting under umbrella but still feeling like on fire.
But hut flush is not only thing. I put on extra pounds. Maybe pool boy do not notice yet, but I do. More in middle part. Now must eat half as much just to stay same. Already I eat almost nothing to keep model figure. How much less I can eat? I am hungry! In Slovenia I am poor starving girl. Now I am here at Melan-a-Lago, wealthy woman, still starving.
Also, feel big rage. Since marry Donald often I am angry, but this is very more. Very angry at everything. Especially him. He is big and bloat. Nobody say to him fat. But he say to me, “You’re no longer a 10.”
One good thing about the menopause, breasts bigger. (Bigger even than Ivanka. And she notice.) Much cleavage. When not busy golfing, Donald try to touch. I am so rage I bite his hand. But always he try, try, try.
Soon I put explosive device in golf ball.
August 21, 2022
I AM RINO
Finally I admit: I am RINO. No, no, not ugly animal with big mouth (that is Junior girlfriend). I am other kind of RINO, Republican woman who do not vote for Donald.
First time because I do not want to be in White House. Second time because I do not want Donald to be in White House.
Yes, I pretend vote for him, but I check off first Hillary, then Joe. Donald want to see ballot but I say no. (Same with body. Always he want to peek. Always I say no. When give me diamonds, make exception.)
Also, I am pro-choice. Of course woman choose what is right for her own body. What is next, Supreme Court ban breast implants?
Red state very bad for women. Especially I would not live in Texas. Florida yes, because I have nice big villa. (So not completely RINO.) But Texas, as long as current governor in office, I would not live there even if he pay me. I do many thing for money, believe me, but not that.
I send money instead to Beto.
So now I am secretly part of Big Blue wave coming in November. I go shopping for wardrobe to match.
August 23, 2022
ASK MELANIA, PART 2
Today in Ask Melania, questions are for me, Melania. I think you see that I am very much like most American women who live luxurious life, do not work, and live in apartment separate from husband who is under Federal investigation and who bury first wife in golf course for tax break.
How do you maintain your model figure? Answer in simple: Pilates. I do while watch soap opera on TV. Also, I do not eat.
Is it true your breast implants once exploded and had to be replaced?
This is not true. Once time leaking and need to be replace. I have good surgeon. Replace bigger and better than ever. Be Best! What explode was head when Donald talk about “grab pussy” and when I see news of Donald and Stormy woman. Still have head. What will be replace, soon I hope, is husband.
Are you comfortable talking about Stormy? What is to talk about?! She sex with men for money, make video for everyone to see. I am not like that. No video.
I understand that the well-known designers do not want to dress you because of your husband’s politics. Where do you find clothes? I have little Slovenian dressmaker. Remember caftan that I wear coming down steps of Air Force One, orange and blue, look like drapes? She make. Also have stylist who chop for me. He know what I like: puff sleeve, pussycat bow, full skirt, waist-cinch belt, high heel. Yes, I have ignore decades of feminism and instead dress like June Cleaver. She is role model for me growing up in Slovenia. But no apron.
Sometimes you wear crisp military-looking clothes that are quite different from your usual ladylike style. Is this another side to Melania?
Yes, is another side to me, Melania. This is call power dressing. Sometimes wear fatigue style like Fidel Castro, but much better tailoring to show off model body (and of course much more expensive fabric). Sometimes even brass button like general. When I wear, Donald salute. Even his, how you say, little bone-spur soldier stand at attention. One time he ask, "Can't you dress more like Goebbels?” I tell him I cannot. Is military style I like not nazi life. I think he is disappoint.
How can you wear such high heels. Don’t your feet hurt? High heel make legs look very long, very model. After 10 minutes cannot feel feet, so not problem. Also, since marry Donald, all feeling close down. Better for me that way.
What was with the I Don’t Really Care Do You jacket you wore when you went to see the children your husband forced into concentration camps? Oh, that. Someone always bring up. First time I am honest, press go craze. I do not care about the children. I do not care to be First Lady. Nobody say, “Wow, Mrs. Trump wear $40 jacket like American peons instead of expensive designer clothes.” No, they go craze over message. Tell true: I do not really care.
Do you do ever do all-American things like fishing or camping? Do you mean to sleep on ground or cook on campfire fish I catch myself? This is how I live in Slovenia. Not camping, home. Why people do this for fun I do not know.
What about biking. Did you have a bike in Slovenia? In Slovenia donkey cart, no bike. In America I try once the bike, but pedal not made for high heels. I rather have driver.
Is it true you’re a polyglot? Whatever I do is to survive. Not escort. Never walk street. Next question, please.
Let’s rephrase the question: Is it true you speak Italian, French, and German, as well as English and your native Slovenian? This is a little bit true. I speak a few words in each language. Of course fluent in Slovenian and English. Very fluent English as you can tell. I do not speak much in other language. Better to be silent. No one know how little I actually know. Tell true: I make bigger the resume when apply for Genius Visa.
When did you meet Donald trump and how long have you been together?
I meet Donald during Fashion Week in New York in 1998. I am 28, he is 52. Now is 24 years later and still we are together. Why he is not dead already, I do not understand.
Why stay married to a man you obviously don’t like? This is foolish question. Why do you think?
What are you going to do with all the diamonds you have been given over the years?
You have 401k. I have diamond. Must plan ahead for retirement, even if I have never work.
How does it feel to have sold your soul for a wealthy life? I was poor girl from Slovenia. Now wealthy American woman. I trade favor for comfort and security. Have not sold soul. Just do not remember where put.
August 25, 2022
A VISIT FROM IVANA
One other thing I find out about menopause: insomnia. Go to sleep OK, but then wake up and cannot go back to sleep. Then during day, nap because drowsy.
I am resting on couch one afternoon when Ivana come to visit. Strange, I think, because she have die. Am I dead? No, I do not think so. But I am not scare, so I welcome her. Ivana never have problem with me. In fact, she love that Donald cheat with me when married to woman who cheat with Donald on her. (Yes, a little bit soap opera. I watch, so I know.)
Ivana look good. Every hair in place (same hairdo have not changed since new face in 1992). She say her spirit see what everybody doing.
“You have done well for yourself,” she say to me. “You are smart to have money and gemstones in separate safe deposit boxes and bank accounts in your parents’ names. And renegotiating that prenup before going to the White House was genius.” (She talk so American, even if Czech.) “Get what you can now, because The Donald is almost broke.”
This I suspect. Even if NRA pay his legal bill—or is GOP? I am confuse with all these letters—legal bill will only get bigger.
She worry for her children. “Ivanka used to be smart, but she has spent so much time with The Donald and The Jared that she has become like them: stupid and greedy. “Donald Junior is also stupid and greedy. His father is not going to leave him much. Eric is just stupid, but very lucky, because he married a girl who is smart and greedy.” (Not so much soap opera these people as The Beverly Hillbillies in Dallas.)
Ivana not talk about accident that kill her. Say only, “I felt tiny hands on my back before I fell down the stairs.”
I forgive her now for say she was First Lady. Silly mixup with word. She was first wife. I was First Lady. Now last lady too.
I feel sorry for how end up. Spirit free but body bury under Donald golf course. No marble monument, not even grave marker. Instead golf carts drives over. Very disrespeck.
One thing she tell me before she go, “Soon the shit will hit the fan.” For this I am ready. Plastic poncho right here in Gucci bag.
August 27, 2022
GREEK TO ME
I tell you my secret. Name Stavros.
Stavros my Secret Service man. I see how he look at me. Tell true, I look at him same way. Stavros is tall muscle man, exactly type I look for on Tinder.
He start by call me Mrs. Trump. I say call me Melania. One day he call me Mel. I feel heat even without hut flush. Mel, he say, mean honey in Greek. Bee honey. He say I am sweet. No one ever call me sweet before (because, tell true, I am not).
But with Stavros feel different. Sweet . . . and dangerous. I like! Feel like I am in own soap opera. I call it As the Bee Sting.
Before anything happen between us, I change password on secret bank account and change combination to my safe. OK for Bloat Boy to have many affair but he go craze if I do. Must to protect.
Once everything secure, I say to Stavros, “Ok, now we do.”
Stavros do not give diamond, but he do have for me hard rock. Of course for next husband I will marry only rich man, but for now I enjoy his, how you say, big cubic zirconia.
August 29, 2022
I WANT GO TO MANHATTAN
I tell Donald I go to New York for couple days
“Why do you want to go there!” He scream, “Everybody there hates me. It’s a living hell!”
I say need get hair color and cut, do some shopping. I ask, can I take Air Force One?
I see vein in forehead bulge (only thing of his that bulge). “We can’t take Air Force One anymore. I’m not the president. Well, I am the president--I won yuge, believe me, yuge, a landslide!—but Joe stole the election from me. So no, no Air Force One. You’ll have to take a private jet like everyone else.”
Donald try to talk me out. “It’s 100 degrees in New York,” he say. “If you need a little getaway, why not go to New Jersey, to the golf club, where it’s cooler.”
As eef, I think.(“As eef” I learn from Barron.) First, not cooler. Second, not Manhattan. Third, I want to stay as far away from poor Ivana grave as possible.
Yes, is hot in Manhattan, but not as eef taking subway. Driver take me everywhere and wait.
Also I wish to go to Museum of Natural History. So many beautiful and shiny stones in Hall of Gems. Remind me of the home I have create in my head.
“Well take one of the Secret Service agents with you. No slipping off by yourself. Take Stavros”
I tell him, yes, of course. If you say so, this I will do.
August 31, 2022
NO BURY FOR ME!
I plan for Donald to die before me. First, is much older. Second, how heart can possible keep beating in person like that I do not know. So much steak and fry food he eat, and whatever he suck up through nose when feel upset, which is most of time. Where is heart attack? Where is stroke? Where is cancer? Why not dead already?
But this is not about Donald die. Is about me. Once I see that Donald bury Ivana at golf course, I live longer for spite. He will not bury me there. I do not wish to be known as Hole in One. Also, did not come all the way from Slovenia to end up in New Jersey.
I have plan for me, which I hope will not be for very many years. I wish to be taxidermy so that I live forever with firm body and smooth skin. I donate myself to Museum of Natural History. I wish to be display on fur rug with my many jewels. I ask museum to put me in Hall of Gems. This is call “natural habitat.”
Of course I will be naked. With body like mine—even when dead—who would wish to cover me up?
I wish for New York Times obituary to say that I come to this country as beautiful poor girl and become famous supermodel. Yes, is true that I do not walk for big designers and never get cover of Vogue, but for GQ and gun magazine I am famous naked cover girl. (Do not feel bad, Michelle Obama. Maybe you get Vogue but not everyone can be Model of Year for Guns & Ammo.)
Also I will like to be on cover of People magazine surround by my many gems and the big piles of money I collect from you-know-what with husband. I am shy of press during life, but when dead I will like—how you say?--go out with a bank.
September 2, 2022
Donald decide want big family photograph.
I think is stupid idea. My family is parents and Barron. His family three children, spouses, plus many grandchildren who are afraid of me. Also Junior big-mouth girlfriend--excuse me, fiancee (but my ring bigger).
Everyone now live near Palm Beach. I do not understand why want to see Donald so much. He do not want to see them. Too busy hiding Top Secret papers and cheating at golf.
Donald tell everyone dress in white. I suggest all pose naked on fur rug. This work so good for me, I think, why not everyone, but he say no. Some things I must say yes to because to keep money coming. So I wear white dress, very tight. Yes, a little see-through because still have model body. Also low cut to show off new bigger breasts. (Surgeon know me well, make what he call “science joke.” Say, “Many big diamonds will come from that extra bit of silicone.” I do not mind. He is right. Be Bling!)
Donald show up for photo shoot in big white suit. At first I think is Las Vegas Elvis back from dead, but when I feel air sucking out of room, I know it is husband. Of course he stand in middle of everyone. We pose in ballroom, where is many chandelier, brocade, and guilt. Also very much gold.
Ivanka ipush her way next to Donald. This remind me when she move into East Wing before I arrive Washington and puts my desk in hallway. Now I not care. I will stay in far edge of picture next to Tiffany.
Ops, little problem. He forget to invite Tiffany.
Donald say we continue anyway. “OK, everybody, look at me and say, Big Cheese.”
ONY MARTYRS IN THE BUILDING
Donald complain, complain, complain. Nothing ever his fault. He say lose election because Joe cheat. He say everyone blame him for January 6. He whine, “I am the most mistreated president in the history of presidents.” I remind that is no longer president. He whine more.
Donald say FBI plant confidential papers. Even he know this not true because watch on close-circuit TV as raid take place. Only thing plant is big ass in front of screen. He cry because think he will go to prison for treason.
Used to be only bragging. Now only woe. “Everybody is so mean to me,” he moan. We do not live in same apartment, but so loud he cry that I hear him. “I’m the victim here!” He is sniffing. Maybe sniff is powder up nose, I am not sure. I try not to look in hallway when I hear him.
When Eric meet his father for lunch in big dining room downstairs, cry that everyone call him stupid, even his kids. Junior unhappy because Donald ignore him. Rudy sob that have not been paid. He say, “I gave up everything for you—I even lost my law license because I lied for you— and now you treat me like dirt.” Skinny Man show up to complain that reviews of new book call it “soulless and repellant.” Or maybe refer to Skinny Man himself. I am not sure, because is good description of both.
Even Ivanka whine. Unhappy not liked in Florida but cannot go back to Manhattan because also there is not liked. All of Washington D.C. laugh at her. “I gave up my New York life to be in politics and now I am not welcome anywhere,” she is so much crying. I remind that at least still have her fashion line. “Best seller at Walmart,” I say, “before go to T.J. Maxx.” (I am smiling inside.)
In private Donald complain that I sex only for diamond. “Can’t you just love me for me?” I say no. He try to make puppy dog face but look squinch, like when push but poop do not come out.
Here at Melan-a-Lago everybody feel bad.
Except for me. I am only happy person here. No prison for me. I am sexing with young, hard body mans. Also, I have all the diamond.
September 6, 2022
WE GET PORTRAIT
Donald family photo is, how you say, small peas compare to portrait coming. Is suppose to be secret, but I tell you anyway. I sit for White House portrait.
Yes, I say I do not like White House. This is true. But portrait of President Trump and First Lady (that is me, Melania) will hang in White House. These portrait different from stuffed old paintings that hangs in America Portrait Gallery. These more, how you say, personality.
Remember when Obamas each have big portrait of them and Donald refuse to host party to show? Same kind of portrait.
Mine be better. Be Best! I pose on fur rug, dress only in jewel and high heels. White House Historical Society will be very surprise. Maybe shock. But is how I am best known. I am not suppose to tell name of artist, so I say only is same one who paint for Frederick of Hollywood.
Donald sitting for his portrait, too. He want big, big, portrait with much gold that make him look like king. So many artist not wish to paint him, but finally he find one perfect for job. Artist say, “Yes, I can make Mr, Trump look big and beefy and regal.”
Donald puff out with pride.
I do not tell Donald this, but artist day job is make billboard for Burger King.
September 8, 2022 LOCK HIM UP
This I wish to know: How can someone with so much intelligence in boxes have so little intelligents in head? I am not genius (except on visa to enter U.S. many year ago) but even I know is not smart to leave confidential papers all over country club. Folders everywhere! Can you imagine that Donald leave box in hallway leading to pool? I do not think spy documents wants to go for swim.
Even Fox News think is OK for FBI to take back boxes. This is big surprise to Donald. He think anything he do will be defend by Fox. This is no more true. Fox people now do not take his calls. Rupert Murdoch getting tired of him. This I very understand.
Until boxes arrive here at Melan-a-Lago, only leak Donald make is into diaper. Now people thinks he leak secret information. This I think also. Many Top Secret folders empty. Where go information? But I tell you one thing: He say nothing to me. I think he talk to Ivanka. I wonder what information she put in application for Chinese trademark. Maybe nuclear secret?
I think Donald have affair with Putin they so much text. Well, mostly Donald text. Putin just write back, “Tell me more.”
Anyway, whatever he have not give away or flush into toilet, FBI take back—even folders Donald change with Sharpie from "Top Secret" to "Not Secret."
I do not like they call my home Mar-Illegal, but I like that Donald will be arrest. This will be happy day for me. If I cannot soon be widow, I will be married woman without husband. Donald will not like prison, but lock him up will be very good for me. Please soon.
After take Donald away, I call Hillary. I learn new American word I wish to share with her: gloat. Come for lunch, I will say. We will gloat together over salad. Maybe get mani pedi together, too.
Septermber 10, 2022
I hear people say behind back I have golden handcuff.
Why is bad? Sound like something I will like to use. Not in bedroom with Donald but with nice hard body sex man. Or I could keep in safe and sell gold when time come.
Then I find out what means. First of all, not handcuff. Second, not gold. Big disappoint. Mean payment to keep me from leave.
This I understand. Mean offer I cannot refuse. Offer diamond. Cannot refuse. I have save many gem in my big safe, plus many green bill this way.
I hear other expression people say about me: Make bed, now lie in. Of course lie in own bed. In own suite. I do not lie in husband bed. Too full of hamburger wrapper and crumb. Also too full of him.
These American expression make me craze!
But one American expression I understand very well: I know what side of street my bread butter. In Slovenia keep cow and churn, churn, churn. In America much butter whenever I want. (Too bad I do not eat. Make fat.) But means I know where is wealthy life. Is side of street where Melan-a-Lago is. In Slovenia expression is, “You kiss the man who feed your cow.”
One other American expression I hear: Kill with kindness. This one I do not understand. I think of Donald and what I would like to do. Why must be kind?
September 12, 2022
Donald say we must all do TV game call Family Feud. With so much bad attention to him, he want fun for himself and many MAGA following.
Of course I say no.
He look at me and say one word: “Diamonds.” Of course I say yes.
His side is Donald, Ivanka, Donald Junior, and Rudy Giuliani.
Audience full of many crazy fan in MAGA hat. How much he pay them, I do not know. Then surprise: Guest host is Liz Cheney. I see Donald start to pee in diaper. (I am marry to him long time. I know look on face when he leak.)
OK, for diamond now I am ready to buzz!
First question: Name a crime former President Trump might be indicted for This I know: Treason Mother say: Tax evasion Father say: Rape Barron say: Child abandonment
Donald team in shock at question. Also answer.
Second question: Name things you might find at Bedminster golf course Mother say: Ivana under grass Father say: Phony tax documents I say: Exploding golf ball Barron say: Dad without his makeup
Ivanka object. Say, “I thought we were here to discuss world politics.”
Even MAGA audience laugh at this.
Third question: Name things you might lie about on a resume
Ivanka say: Diplomatic experience
Junior say: A diploma Rudy say: I was America’s most beloved mayor
Donald say: I do not lie. I had the biggest inauguration crowd ever. The corona virus was under control. Hurricane Dorrian was going to Alabama and I have the Sharpie map to prove it. I didn’t know about the payment to Stormy Daniels. Windmills cause cancer. The only thing I ever flushed down the toilet was my diapers.
Host say Donald answer cannot fit on board. Pick one. Donald say, “I won the election by a landslide.”
Donald side lose. Now I understand why he bring Rudy.
“The game was rigged,” Rudy scream. “We won!” Rudy so upset he is dripping hair dye and passing gas. I do not see him so much coming apart since he hold press conference next to Four Season Dildo Store. “We will sue. We will take this to the Supreme Court!”.
Guest host Liz Cheney remind him: “Mr. Giuliani, you no longer have a license to practice law. Also, you were not America’s most beloved mayor. New Yorkers hate you. Everybody hates you, including Donald. He hasn't paid you yet, has he?”
Audience ready to attack us on stage. Then Liz Cheney say, “Hold on, people, we have a surprise guest.” Audience clap and scream out Scott Baio name. I am afraid will be spear carrier man from January 6 but then remember in jail.
No, real surprise guest is FBI! Agent show Donald warrant for arrest. Say, “OK, Mr. Trump. Now it’s time for jeopardy.”
September 14, 2022
THE ROYAL ME
This I am thinking: I will like to be England Queen. Many years already I live like queen except no tiara. Very much I will like the diamond crown. Also Your Royal Highness have, how you say, nice bell to it.
Queen do not do much. Mostly wear expensive clothes and pose for picture wearing many jewel. This I was born to do. Also, I will like to have face on money. This will be nice change from money always on mind.
Everybody love Queen. This I will like, because in America many people do not like me. Especially I like people must bow to me (even if do not like me). Best part is Donald do not come. Soon will be in jail. Also nobody expect me to design Christmas decoration for Buckingham Palace.
Instead of hat I wear tiara, even in shower. In handbag I carry my many diamond. Also dictionary, because do not understand British language. English hard enough.
Royal resume is short, this I know. But I will be beautiful young queen, not like horse-face family that live in palace now. And son Barron already have royal name. Prince Barron sound even more royal. He say wish to be call “The Prince Formerly Known as Barron.”
Only in America can poor girl from Slovenia grow up to be Queen of England.
But one problem: Ivanka ready to overthrow. She think she must be Queen. Always think must be queen of everything. But only claim to throne is royal pain in ass.
September 16, 2022
I BREAK NAIL
Today tragedy. You think I will say Donald die. No. That is not tragedy. That is relief. Today real tragedy. I break nail
I call 911. Come quick, I say. Maybe need surgery. Nail break all way down to finger. Send ambulance.
Lady at 911 not happy to hear from me. “Mrs. Trump, this is the second time you have called about a broken nail. You do not need surgery or an ambulance. You need to go to a salon to have it fixed.”
I do not go to salon. Salon come to me.. But girl who come to Melan-a-Lago on vacation, I tell her. What I do? The 911 lady say, “Go online. Find a salon.”
I would Goggle, but cannot type because . . . break nail.
Then you would not believe, but floor drop from under me. Well, shoe. Heel of Manolo sandal collapse.. Break off. I fall. Call 911 again. Lady at 911 very mad. “I know you’re the former First Lady, but a broken high heel is not an emergency.”
I twist ankle, is pain, I tell her. This is not true, but I think that once I am in hospital someone can fix nail.
While wait for ambulance, eat. Each day I have four almond for lunch. I bite into second one and . . . crack. My front tooth is break! My teeth all cap, all match. Very white, very beautiful. Except now is ugly pointy thing used to be tooth. I cannot be see like this!
Need dentist ABCD. First I call 911 to cancel ambulance. This time Spanish lady answer. She say, "Basura blanca. Puta de mierda, siempre molestándonos. Vete. Eres dolor en culo." I think means, Thank you for calling. Have a nice day..
Then I call dentist. He say, “Yes, Mrs. Trump, come right over. I will take care of you.” He call my nice white teeth "crowns." Sound very royal. I like.
Spanish lady who tell me have a nice day give me idea. I think if ever I must escape from Donald and need new name it will be Blanca. Blanca Basura sound sexy and exotic. Perfect for me.
September 17, 2022 I INVITE GUESTS
Donald away at Bedminster to play golf. But no golf. Do you see photo of him and other mens? No clubs. Have secret meeting where everyone can see them. I think wish no microphone so no one hear them agree on lie, but forget that photographer take picture.
While he is gone, I invite some people to Melan-a-Lago.
I am immigrant to this country, as you know. Of course am genius and very beautiful, so U.S. welcome me with long arms. Not is true for everyone, especially if do not speak English well as I do. So after Florida governor Ron D. Sanctimonious send 50 Venezuelan people to tiny island in Massachusetts, I think, where is enough room for them all to stay? I am rocking my brain. Then I think, 128 rooms at Melan-a-Lago. I invite them here!
I call. People at Cape Cod army barrack do not believe it is me. When convince, I give them Donald credit card to charter plane to bring them here.
So far everything good. I learn Spanish. (Find out that “Blanca Basura” not very nice name. I am so disappoint.) Guest like having food and bed. Also love pool. I tell them, mi villa es su casa. They are joyed over.
Of course is easy to offer, because staff take care of them. Melan-a-Lago so big I do not have to see them. But still is good deed. Maybe I will not end up in Hell after all.
I have not yet tell Donald what I do. I know when find out he will, how you say, shit a wall.
September 18, 2022
I LEARN TO KNIT
I am bore here in Palm beach. Nothing to do. How many times I can get mani pedi? How many hour I can watch TV soap? How many sex I can have in cabana with pool boy? I am, how you say, crawling the wall.
Mother suggest I learn to knit. This I remember from Slovenia when babica unravel feed sack and knit for me sweater from the threads. Scratch, yes, but made with love. She even use my baby teeth for button. Babica Knavs—this is my grandmother--is best knitter in village. Knit for everyone. All my classmate have feedbag sweater made by my babica. So much we scratch that teacher think we have insect in clothes, but I say, no, is babica sweater. Babica so famous, teacher understand.
So, I think, yes, I learn. But no feed sacks for me. I go to Hobby Lobby in West Palm Beach to buy yarn. I am thinking something nice and soft with, of course, gold thread. This is what I find out: Hobby Lobby is like Costco for making. Also I find out that English put words together, call rhyme. (Too late I find out rhyming hobby store worse than husband.)
I buy many nice yarn and many different size knitting needle. Also glitter and glue gun. Very much I like the glitter. Like diamond but very, very tiny. Also potholder loom, paint by number, and coup d’etat kits. I will have not just one hobby but many! I will make, make, make! So much I will make that I write book: “Melania Big Book of Hobby.”
OK, first must learn. Mother learn from Babica how to knit. She teach me. Needle in, yarn around, make loop. Again, again, again, again. Then purl (is backwards knit). So much looping! I am still bore. Plus is Florida here. Who wear sweater?
But I keep knitting. Have plan. I say to nobody else, not even to mother. I think Donald will fall on me while I am making him sweater. This is why I buy the very big needle.
September 20, 2022
I READ HOROSCOPE
I am born April 26. I am Taurus, the bull. This is very embarrass to me. Big and bulky is bull, not slim like model as I am. Taurus people smart and hardworking. Also this is not me.
Then I read Taurus people like luxury and comfort. Yes, yes, this is me! I have plenty money. Many diamond. Also I have pool boy some day and and Secret Service man other day. (And extra lock on door so Bloat Boy cannot come in.) Not many friend, but sometimes put all my gown on chairs and pretend get together with girlfriends.
Taurus is earth sign. We like feet on ground. For me is difficult because of high heel, but sometimes sink into lawn so feet in ground. Also we like treasure from earth, like precious gems. Finally, this hit nail with the head.
Horoscope also say I will be betray by Gemini. Guess who is Gemini?
Donald born June 14. He is Gemini. sign of twins, or of one person who act two different ways. This I believe. Sometimes beg me for sex like little puppy. When I say no, he go craze, yell and scream like wild dog. Horoscope book also say “impulsive and unreliable.” This is very much Donald.
I know betray from Donald. Betray with pussy grab. Betray with Stormy. One time he try to sex poor reporter while. I am still in hospital after have Barron. I say nothing but decide sex only for diamond.
Horoscope book say Taurus and Gemini not good match. I do not need book to know this. For sex, Gemini fast and finish. I do not mind. Get over with, put another diamond in safe. But I like slow, which is something Secret Service man and cabana boy understand. No diamonds from them, but many bright and shiny—how we say in Slovenian—orgazem.
One thing horoscope do not say, but I am begin to feel: Maybe sex and diamond and fashion not enough. I wonder is more to life?
Maybe I go to Buddhist meditation retreat. Yes, I will do! I look for one with the best robes.
September 22, 2022
I TALK ABOUT ART
Many people thinks I have no culture, that only interest in clothes and diamonds and sex with hard-body mans. Maybe, yes, most of time, but also I am interest in art.
Already I am almost expert. We have very expensive painting by Renoir in Melania Tower apartment, call Two Sister on a Terrace. Is pretty, with soft brush strokes in style call “Depressionism.” Show big girl and little girl sitting together. They do not look depress. Big girl wear blue dress and red hat; little girl wear blue hat with many flowers. Nobody naked. Some people say is fake, but I do not believe. Name “Renoir” right in corner.
I return to New York this week to talk about art. Soon we go to Met to see more Renoir, but this time go to MoMA. Is closer to Melania Tower. This museum show Modern Art. Is not always pretty. I have some opinion. Come with me,
We stop first at “Starry Night” by Vincent van Gogh. Picture famous. Very swirl, like many galaxy in sky. I think he see something other people do not. Maybe hallucinate. Is this good or bad? I do not know. But this I do know: “Gogh” is not pronounce “go.” Is more like you are coughing up extra almond you eat for lunch: “Gockch.”
We go in next gallery to see Monet painting, “Water Lilies.” Picture is pretty color, and very big, but do not look like the jewelry. I am disappoint.
Next we go to see fur-cover teacup. Artist name is Meret Oppenheim. What she is thinking? Who will pour water into such thing? You will get hairy tea. What is next, feather frying pan? Mink chopsticks? Snakeskin serving tray? Why museum show this?
Also Jackson Pollock painting I do not understand why museum show. Even I can do this. Take nail polish and drip, drip, drip. I do this sometimes when bored. Maid clean up after me.
Pablo Picasso paint face with two eye on same side of head and women who look like gorilla. Excuse, but I think he need glasses. Why not pretty little cottage in woods with smoke come out of chimney and flower in garden?
Now we see artist name Henri Matisse. He paint pretty pattern and color. I like. But this I wish to know: Why do he paint people with no bones? Here is “The Dance.” Figures flow in circle. Where bones? Is none!
Frida Kahlo paint many pictures of herself. Make me craze! Why not pluck eyebrow and wax mustache? Instead look like furry teacup. She is marry to heavy man who fool around with other womens. How does she allow this if no diamond?
Now we come to big flower paintings made by woman who look like old man and dress like nun. Name is Georgia O’Keeffe. This I tell you: flower look like coo-coo. I will buy such a painting for husband. Then when he want to peek at me, I say, Leave me alone. Go look at your painting.
In room with many strange painting, there is one of woman and man kissing but faces cover with tablecloths. This painting give me idea. Next time husband want to kiss I say, We pretend we are painting call “The Lovers.” Then I do not have to touch him. Also do not have to see him. This painter, name Magritte, is genius!
Do you ever see three basketball floating in fish tank half full of water? You will see here at MoMA. Floating balls, is no joke. Is art? Look like science project to me. Artist name Jeff Koons. I hope he have day job. Will never get rich with this.
Ah, now a picture of melting clock tell me we are out of time. I hope you enjoy my talk.
Next time we go to Met and look at nudes. Before Jenny Craig born, and before is invend lipo and gastric bypass, so many fat, naked ladies! But this I wish to know: Why all the women naked when all the men keep clothes on?
September 24, 2022
This American expression very strange. Today I hear “quiet quitting” for first time. Mean do in job only what need to do, nothing more. Not new idea for me. I do not have job, but I am quiet quitting long time ago.
After married 10 years, I am tired of big loud ego. Quietly move to other side of big bed. After “pussy grab” by husband—and, I tell you, he grab women long time before whole world hear him say—I move to separate bedroom. At White House have separate bedroom on different floor.
Now have entirely own apartment at Melan-a-Lago. Soon, while Donald is still living in Florida, I move back to Trump Tower in Manhattan.
I am private person, do not like to be in news.This I tell you: Quiet quitting better than noisy public divorce.
September 26, 2022 ASK MELANIA, PART 3
I get many request from ladies in Washington for help with style and beauty. Of course they ask me, even if do not like me, because I am supermodel, well dress, and very beautiful. I am honest with advices, so not always kind
Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene ask: How can I maximize my looks and style? First, get new face. You look like horse man. Once bandage off, we talk about style.
Representative Lauren Bobert write: I am attractive, but many people think I am creepy. What do you suggest? Yes, you are attractive, even with glasses. You are creepy because always guns. Get rid of. You do not need. What are you, sheriff? Gun like accessory, most people overdo. Also, get real diploma from high school.
Representative Elise Stefanik ask: Do I need to lose weight to be more appealing to a national audience? Body shape is fine. Although you do not have model body as I do, curvy appeal to many. What you need to lose is weight of extreme politics.
Justice Amy Coney Barrett ask: Do the black robes over my red robes make me look too fat? You do not look fat, but overdress. One robe is enough. I suggest the black. More chic. I am glad to see that at least you do not wear the bonnet when court in session.
Representative Liz Cheney write: Now that I have lost my primary, I need to style up. What do you suggest? Ninja warrior black would look good on you. Slimming, too. But for TV pundit job that you will have soon, just remember stripes and checks too jumpy for camera.
Senator Susan Collins ask: How can I bring my style up to date? This is easy one. Instead of dress like—what is animal that always change color?—pick one color and stick to it. Red do not look good on you.
Representative Ayana Pressley ask: Will you talk about bald style on women? What is to say? You are brave to embrace. Also beautiful and well dress. Please talk to Donald, who continue to glue hair to head and pile around like spaghetti on plate. I tell him look stupid, accept the bald. Maybe listen if you tell him. Never mind, save breath. He listen only to voices in head.
Senator Amy Klobuchar write: Does my style pass the Melania test? I am not sure what “Melania Test” is. If you mean, do I approve of your style? Answer is yes. You dress in comfortable Midwest style. Only thing, though: One eyebrow fly off face when you talk. Please can you adjust?
Senator Kyrsten Sinema ask: Do you think I am too flamboyant in my style? I do not know what means flamboyant, but I tell you this: Clothes too flashy. Also too tight and short. If you are 13 and Justin Beiber fan, is fine. Please stop to put print, stripe, and polka dot all together. Only thing missing from outfit like that is bubble gum. When you lose next election, I suggest job selling shiny clothes on QVC.
Representative Maxine Waters do not need advice. She offer this advice to me: Forget your obsession with fashion. Reclaim your time. Do something with your life. (This I think about. I decide wish to stay with diamond, expensive clothes, and hunky mens.)
Speaker Pelosi do not ask but I say this anyway: She is the bomb. Wait! Do not call security! I do not mean that way. I mean she is tray chic. I hope 30 years from now when I am 82 I will look so good. Also, she know how to cut Donald down to size—and do not need knitting needle or exploding golf ball to do it.
September 28, 2022 THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MELAN-A-LAGO
I am not housewife. This you know. But I am thinking will be fun to have Real Housewives show. All the womens in these show have breast implant, botox, nip and tuck, and much makeup. Entire Trump family women perfect for cast.
I invite Ivanka. Also, Kimberly, fiancée of Junior; Lara, wife of Eric; and Tiffany. I do not like any of them, and I am honest to tell you they also do not like me. Maybe also invite Stormy. More drama.
Everyone come to Melan-A-Lago. For taping first episode I tell them Donald change will and I inherit everything. Knifes will come out—and not just to cut tiny pieces of food to nibble. Everybody want Donald money. Tell true, he do not have much anymore, but I get whatever he have. (Plus, of course, my many diamond.) I let them fight over crumbs and Donald is not even dead yet.
Second episode, I will have table set with very much food. They will look, look, look. Of course want to eat but will not to stay slim. I tell them this is special food, no calorie. They will very much eat. Then surprise. I tell them, you eat many thousand of calories. I put marijuana in brownies. Angry and stone will be good combination for TV. Of course martini for lunch, so tipsy also. (Andy Cohen, you are reading this?)
Third episode, I wear all my biggest diamond at once. I want Trump ladies see how many I have, and how big is. They will be very much envy. Then, I introduce them to my pool boy and Secret Service man. Not only I will inherit everything, but have biggest diamond and getting best sex. I know Kimberly very envy, because . . . Junior. (Can you imagine sexing with him?) Or Eric? (Mr. Gummy Face, Barron call him.) Slender Man I do not think even have a Little Man. (If you look close you see do not shave. I think puberty never come for him.)
Stormy have so much sex will not care about my hunky men, but I am sure will be jealous when see how many diamond I have and all she get is one check. Maybe I tell Kimberly and Lara that Stormy sex also with Junior and Eric. That will be good show. Many firecrack. Also firecrack when Ivanka tell Donald about my hunky mans. Always she wish to get me in trouble with him.
So many women in these show end up go to jail for crime like embezzle and tax evade. Trump family perfect for this. Imagine take money from cancer children fund? And I know nobody pay enough tax for money have. Maybe I will tell IRS where to find Ivanka and Jared files. Would be very good episode, don’t you think? I do special episode on how to accessorize orange jumpsuit.
Last episode I wish for Ivanka to tip table so everything on floor like New Jersey housewife do. Very drama! Ivanka try to be so culture, but when forget to use breathy voice talk just like father. Also is cruel just like husband, who evict poor people from housing he own. Underneath ladylike pink dress is vulgar real estate wife.
Finally, reality show that is real!
September 30, 2022
I WRITE HAIKU
I learn the haiku. Is Japanese poem with three line. First line, five syllable. Second line, seven syllable. Third line, again five.. Extra word, not haiku even if squeeze in. Teacher say to take single moment and craft into perfect gem. This I know very well. I have many perfect gem in safe.
I try a few. Maybe publish “Melania Book of Haiku.” Even better, “Melania Book of Haiku and Fashion Advices.”
I am rich woman
Marry husband for diamond
Hell waiting I know
Oh, shiny diamond
What I do to make you mine
Also ruby, pearl
I am nude photo
Gems on skin, body on fur Who would not want me?
This is fun, yes? I am getting the rope of it. Now some about husband.
Angry husband take
Many boxes hide at home
Think no one notice
Agents takes secret papers
Wonder who make call
I wait wait wait wait For husband to close eye die Will be free and rich
October 2, 2022
I DO YOGA
Yoga is ancient form of exercise. Include breathe, stretch, and strength. Is good for health of body and mind. Already I know how to breathe—do not even have to practice— but I will like to be more flexible and strong.
First I buy best yoga tight and tank, because of course always Be Best. Also I buy yoga mat. Is no gold color for mat. I must accept gray. Very bore.
This is what I learn in first class: First is Tadasana, Mountain Pose. This is standing up. Next is Uttanasana. This is bending over.
So far is easy, even if hold pose for long time.
Salute to Sun is more complicate. Up, down, back, forward, down, and up again. Can also do at night, but is still call Salute to Sun. Is not logic, but still, I am learning. We do many time. I am exhaust.
Then is bend back. This I am good at. I bend over back to show American people I am good First Lady and what they do? Make fun of my bloody Christmas tree and make fun of me.I even bend over back in high heel.
Yoga teacher tell me to stop complain, that in yoga I will be fulfill. I hope so.
Now we do Trikonasana. This is Triangle Pose. I have do this before with Pool Boy and Secret Service man together. They call it three way, but same thing. I am twist in two direction at once. Breathe! Breathe! Yoga pose not as exciting. I am more fulfill in cabana.
Last pose for class is call Savasana. In English is call Dead Man pose. I do not like name, but I like pose. Lie down and rest. Also, this is what we do after three-way yoga in cabana.
Even though tired, I feel good. I will continue.
Donald make fun of me for yoga. Say golf is better exercise. OK, good for him. But I think, even without yoga Donald very good at Downward Spiral. Now I wait for him to do real Dead Man pose.
October 4, 2022
TIFFANY GETTING MARRIED
After family photo and Real Housewives of Melan-a-Lago, I no more wish to see Donald family. But since I am still marry to him, sometimes I must. Coming in November, Tiffany wedding here at Melan-a-Lago.
Daughter everyone forget about is having wedding no one wish to attend.
I am not involve, just hear about. Tiffany marry man who grow up in Nigeria. When Donald hear, he go craze. Say, “No daughter of mine will marry an African.”
Tiffany tell him, yes, born and raise in Nigeria but come from Lebanese family. “From Lesbos?! Donald orange face turn face red and hair stand on end, which is very hilarity because mostly it is glue to head. He scream, “No daughter of mine is going to marry a lesbian, even if he’s a man.”
Tiffany make face I know very well. Face say, “You are idiot.” Fiancé she explain is not from Lesbos, not lesbian. Lebanese is from Lebanon in Middle East. I see, how you say, wheel churning in Donald head. “Will the children be white?” he ask.
Tiffany roll not just eye but entire head. “He is from a billionaire family.” Now Donald interest. I am sure he think how he can get tiny hands on that money. “A billionaire? Then why the hell am I paying for the wedding?” he scream.
Much bustle and hustle already, planning for 500 guest. Tiffany afraid FBI raid again in middle of wedding. (Donald still have many paper hidden here, so is possible. I hope no one call . . .)
Wedding is plan by Tiffany, Marla, and Donald. Donald say he will pay, but never do. (Stiffing small business is only thing stiff about him. This I know.) I hope florist, photographer, and caterer get paid cash money before do any work.
Save-date announcement already send. Tiffany very upset that Queen Elizabedth die. She have want Queen to attend. (only way for Tiffany to have royal wedding). Very disappoint that King Prince Charles and Queen Camilla say no. Harry and Megan, too. She invite many royal to come, and all say no. Jared suggest his friend, Saudi Prince MBS. Tiffany is pretend princess but even she say, “Prince Bonesaw? No thanks. I’d rather have Rudy Giuliani.”
This I know: Donald will not let Rudy be invite. (Afraid Rudy will make a scene with passing gas and running hair dye down face, because Donald still have not paid him.) Also not coming: Bill and Hillary, and Barak and Michelle. (Obamas very nice to me on Inauguration Day when Donald leave me standing in driveway of White House.) I think Tiffany invite, but all say they will have Covid on day of wedding.
MAGA people wish to come, but many in jail. Tiffany say no to anything MAGA, especially little MAGA hat for wedding favor. She want all wedding favor from Tiffany store. “I mean, like why did you name me Tiffany if you won’t buy my favors from there? My registry is there.“ Tiffany stamp foot and threaten to change name to Sheniqua. Donald start to pee in diaper.
Now I must talk about what I wear. Tiffany engagement ring is 13-carat emerald, so I will wear my many diamond, many more carat than Tiffany little ring. I wear expensive dress of red silk, with big embroider shawl. When bride and groom say “I do,” I wrap shawl around me. On back it will say in many color thread, “I Don’t Really Care Do U?”
October 6, 2022
ASK MELANIA, PART 4: IMAGE TIP FOR MEN
You know how mens do not ask for directions? Same with image and political advices. But they message me privately. I think I am very help. I share. (You see that after abortion rule against women, I am angry Melania.)
A Senate Majority leader write: My neck has become its own scarf. Am I a good candidate for surgery? Have turtle neck skin remove. While healing, wear turtleneck. When heal, instead of turtle you look again like snake. You can donate extra neck skin to Lindsay Graham to make ball sack.
A South Carolina Senator write: In my fervor to curry favor with the trump base, I may have gone too far with my anti-abortion remarks. How can I redeem myself? I do not know what Indian food have to do with your stupidity, but this I tell you: Since you have never seen vagina, why do you try to make laws to say what go in or out of it? Also, do yourself favor, see surgeon to get a set of balls. Mitch McConnell have some extra skin he can give you. You can still wear your lace panties.
A Texas Senator email me with this question: What can I do to improve my smarmy image? I do not know what mean smarmy, but you are creepy and nobody like or trust you. Suggest you move to Cancun. Here is basic Spanish I get from maid at Melan-a-Lago to introduce yourself: Hola, me acabo de mudar a México. Nadie en el norte me quiere porque soy un gran pendejo.
A former New York City mayor wish to know: How can I redeem myself after the dripping hair dye and farting? Do not worry about dripping hair dye and passing gas. People will forget about. Just remind that you are catch on camera with hand down your pants in room with girl you think is 15.
A Florida representative under investigation for sex traffic wish to know: Do you have any young nieces you could introduce me to? You are perverznež. I hope dick shrivel like balloon with no air. Also you need punch in face and brow lift.
A Florida Senator ask: My colleagues call me Dumbo. I am thinking of having my ears reduced. Would you recommend? You are call not Dumbo because of ears. But if you wish to have ear reduction, is not difficult procedure.
Oldest son of former president ask: My fiancée does not like my beard. She says it’s scratchy. Should I shave it off?
Your first wife did not like beard either. Maybe shave is good idea. This remind me. You already have five children. Maybe time for a trim somewhere else, too.
Kevin McCarthy do not wish this question to be public, so I say only this: Representative who wish to be Speaker of House wish to know how to make up to Donald.
If you have dog, talk to him like that. Tell him how smart and good is. Say, “Who is best president? Who is smartest man ever to be in Oval Office? You are! Who had biggest inauguration ever? You did! Who win the 2020 election? You did!” But do not give dog biscuit. And very important: Do not pat head.
Anonymouse man write me note that say: My wife only has sex with me if I give her diamonds and increase her allowance. Am I right to feel used? If you are bloat man with hair glue to head, like only by crazy MAGA people, I think you are lucky to have beautiful wife who will sex you. Give her whatever she ask for.
Another anonymouse man write to me in Russian. I have translate. Say, “I had a bitch in my pocket, but then he lost his job. Do I continue to cultivate the relationship or look elsewhere for satisfaction? I think you do not talk about sex but about world domination. Since you are sick and will die soon, why not cultivate soul instead. Paint a picture. See a play. World will fall apart even without you.
I give such good advices I think maybe I will run for office once Donald in jail. I change name back to Knavs. If I become Democrat, Trump name will not be help for me.
October 8, 2022 MIND MATTER
I discover new magazine, call Psychology Today. And what coincident, I discover today!
Donald call me “mental case.” This is because I try to keep distance from him for my own mental health. I look for magazine to see if I am a mental case. This I tell you: I am not.
However, I find out is something wrong with him. Before this I am thinking he is just, how you say, donkey butt, but when I read about what is call “Narcistic Personality Disorder” I say to myself, this is Donald. He blame everyone for exactly what he is and what he do. Remember when he call Hillary Russian puppet? Guess who is actual puppet? Guess who is actual mental case?
Donald think he is important but nobody else do. Except MAGA fan, but also they very mental disorder. To give example, I am think of Viking man who break into Capitol Building, or women who wear t-shirt says, “You can grab my pussy.” What is wrong with these people? Now I know.
This is list of what magazine call “narcistic personality disorder.” I copy to show you (but not in same way I copy Michelle speech).
“Believing you are superior to others
Exaggerating talents and achievements
Expecting constant admiration and praise
Believing you are special and acting that way
Failing to recognize others’ feelings
Expecting others to do what you want
Taking advantage of others
Jealous of others
Easily hurt and rejected
Having a fragile self-esteem
Appearing tough and unemotional
Unable to keep healthy relationships”
I am astonish. This hit nail with the head. Explain why he say win election even though he do not. Explain why always need to be praise. Explain why he always take advantage of everyone. And, yes, feeling easily hurt.
This I tell you privately: What magazine call “fragile self-esteem“ explain why Donald talk to surgeon about getting penis enlarge, even at age of 76. He wish to be, as he say, hung like bowl. I do not understand why he wish to look like bowl, but even after so many year of marriage there is much I do not understand about him. He say if I can make my breast bigger, why cannot doctor do same for little mushroom he have.
I do not wish to be bother with big bowl. I prefer small and fast—get over with—then diamond.
Now I wish to discover magazine call Diamond Today.
October 10, 2022
TEN THING YOU DO NOT KNOW ABOUT ME
1. I marry for love
Yes, marriage to Donald is big mistake, I stay because love to be rich.
2. Monthly wardrobe allowance is $18,000
MAGA donation pay bill. Sometimes think maybe donate some of that money to starving children, but then think, I need more shoes.
3. I eat only orgasmic food
Do not wish to end up like Bloat Boy, so I choose food with healthy ingredient. But mostly starve to keep supermodel body.
4. I do not really speak five language When come here on Genius Visa I must pretend smart. Now peoples talk to me in French, Italian, German, Russian, Swedish, Serbian, Spanish, and other language. I do not have clue. Slovenian I forget, and English I am not so advance. For this reason I do not too much talk.
5. I am not really genius
Afraid if admit, citizenship take away. Where I would go? Slovenia do not want me back. I think maybe Canada (very much I like Justin Trudeau), but do not think they will let me in because not genius. I am stuck here in villa in Palm Beach with own apartment, servants, and very much money. I make best of it.
6. I have girl crush on Liz Cheney
She would be shock, because anti-gay. I am not anti-gay. Also not gay. Just I like how she make Donald pee in diaper.
7. I have no friend
This is because Donald. People say, How can you be with that monster? I am not with monster, just marry to him. Very difference. I will like to purchase some friend, but do not know where to find. Online “buy” friend is just for sex. I have cabana boy and Secret Service man for that. I wish women to talk to.
8. I study design and photography in high school, then design and architecture in college
Drop out of college after one year to be model. Now only take picture with iPhone. Only design I make is to rip out rose in White House Rose Garden. But I am still supermodel in mind.
9. Always I wear belt
I wish to explode. Belt keep everything in. Underneath belt is Spanx. Extra hold. As soon as Donald die, no explosion. I will again breath.
10. I really don’t care This is not just message on clothes. Best way to live now is to feel nothing. But do not be sorry for me. I am rich and you are not.
October 12, 2022
I WRITE SELF HELP BOOK
So many good response to my column, Ask Melania, I decide to write advice book. I call it Help Yourself.
I give what is call sneak peek (something Donald never get):
. You are poor girl living in expensive city. Meet wealthy married man. No problem, help yourself
. He take you shopping and say, “Whatever you want, baby.” Ja, help yourself
. He give you credit card as token of affection. Very good, help yourself
. Big banquet much food. You are hungry but watching model figure. Do not help yourself
. He want put ugly flabby body on yours. Offer you big ring, emerald surround by diamond. He help himself. You help yourself
. Get engage but must sign prenup. Cannot help yourself
. Wait until he need something from you, change prenup. Help yourself
See how this work? Opportunity arrive, help yourself. No opportunity, you make one. Or wait. Opportunity come.
More example: . Daughter need something, say, “Oh, Daddy.” She help herself. Many big Chinese trademark this way . Husband help himself to Stormy woman. She help herself to big be-quiet check but talk anyway
. Wife then help herself. Put many gem into big safe
. Man cheat win for White House. Help himself
. Man spend entire life cheat win. Help himself . FBI visit Donald apartment. Help themself . Children wait for his big heart attack. Expect to help themself. Big curprise come
. Prenup revise put everything in wife name. She help herself
What regular can person do? . Marry rich. If person is ugly or bad you must decide if is better to be rich and unhappy or poor and unhappy. If you marry old person, will be dead soon. You will be free and rich and happy. I do not suggest poison, but is something to think about
. Do not pay help.If you can look person in eye while not pay, you will be big success
. Do not pay tax. This I learn from husband. If you are arrest, take your case to Supreme Court. (Make sure friend with Clarence Thomas) . If you do not know answer to something, make up answer. Call other person liar. This I learn from husband.
. Here is another way: If you do not know answer to something, say nothing. People think you cannot be so stupid so instead think you are very smart. This is my own experience. Is how I am Genius Visa for so many years . Start charity fund. Donation go to you. Change name to Trump and you will never have to pay back
Book have much more informations and advices.
I hope is New York Times best seller. Also expect very much royalties, because already live like queen.
October 14, 2022
BAD NEWS DAY
I watch TV yesterday while I get mani pedi in suite. Is bad news day for Donald. January 6 Committee bring in many people to tell how he cause very big erection in Washington. This is only big erection Donald ever have. But is not good one. Much damage, many gun. Some people die and many going to jail.
I know Donald is embarrass because many secret come out about what he do. And he is angry because he get caught. Then at end of program, committee vote to —I cannot spell word, sound like “some peanut”—mean call him to testify under oats. I do not think is possible for him. If lie, he break law. If tell true, is admitting he break law. He is in “dloboko sranje“—what you American call “deep shit.“
Then to top: His friend Clarence Thomas from Supreme Court say no to get involve in case about document Donald take to Melan-a-Lago.
Donald go banana! I hear screaming and flushing from his apartment. Also I hear TV crash. Why he must pull off wall every time? Why cannot just yell at it like other people do?
Baron hear noise from his own suite. He peek into Donald apartment to find out what happen. He come to tell me, “Looks kind of trippy in there. There’s a bunch of Spin Art on the ceiling and the toilets are overflowing again.”
I send in Secret Service man to see. He tell me ketchup everywhere. Get on ceiling fan, which go around fast and make pattern. The toilet flush we know. He again try to stuff secret document into bowl. Also stuffing fast food into mouth. He is so craze I am surprise he do not confuse what he stuff where.
Of course Donald will try to, as he say, “run out the cock.” I know mean “drag feet.” We have same expression in Slovenian with different word, but no cock is dragging.
Baron say, “I wish I had a real dad. The kids in my class call him a cheater, and I hear teachers call him a moron.”
I am strong for Baron. I tell him, “Some day soon your father go to jail and we will have normal life."
October 16, 2022
I MAKE NFT
Always I try to stay current—and, of course, to make money at same time. So I design NFT. Well, I do not design myself. I hire artist to make watercolor painting of my eyes, because eye is window to soul. OK, for me maybe not soul. But is beautiful smoky Melania eye.
We offer for sale. I expect to make many dollar in crypto money. Day it go on sale, crypto currence crash. It sell sell for $180,000. I am very disappoint. Do you know who buy? To make sure my name do not also crash, I buy my own NFT. Of course I use Donald money. Also I use another name so that nobody know I buy my own work. But someone figure out what I do. How they know Delania Frump is me?
So now not only I pay artist for watercolor, I pay to buy back.
“Congratulations, Mom, you officially have a Trump business. Looks good but loses money.” This is Barron say. I am so mad I send him to room, but he is right.
You may wish to ask, what is NFT? This is initial for “non fungible token.” I do not know what have to do with mushroom, and is not token. (English so confuse to me.) NFT store in something call block chain. Only chain I like is gold. Is real, not somewhere in computer. To me, NFT mean No Fucking Thing—no money, no object, no profit.
Honestly, is easier to sex for money. But I can no more do that (except with husband). This is why I come up with new money-make idea. I design now Christmas ornament for holiday tree. Is real object People buy so I do not have to buy back.
Next time I tell you about ornament.
October 18, 2022
ORNAMENT BY MELANIA
Huffington Post spill the beets to public, but I tell you the other day: I design Christmas ornament.
Yes, I know you are wonder why I wish to design for Christmas after making bloody forest in White House that everybody hate. Is because I learn to use Melania name to make money. Soon I will also have line of “Diamond by Melania” and “Fashion by Melania”—maybe even Melania College of Modeling—but for now I design “Ornament by Melania.” (No more NFT!)
Christmas 2022 line feature over one dozen elf ornament to hang on tree. Tree can be red or green. Do not even need tree. You can buy and keep as collectible. Put on shelf. I make name: Elf on Shelf.
Each elf ornament have own name. Donnie Elf wear big diaper and Santa hat, say over and over, “I won the election.” Come with USB port so you can recharge. In this way, never stop talk. Special surprise in diaper: giant turd made of silicone. Look very real.
Amy Coney Barret Elf wear red robe and white bonnet. Under robe is hair shirt and coat hanger. Rudy Elf have pump. You can fill up then let go, so sound like passing gas. Ivanka Elf dress in one of her own fashion design, accessorize with handbag and shoe. Is only elf made in China, so handle carefully because everything fall apart.
There is more: Confidential Elf have secret compartment to hide paper. Convict Elf look like Donald, wear orange jumpsuit. Something extra is little toupee in pocket. Also teeny tiny shiv. Lawyer Elf, inspire by Donald many attorney, can be hang from head or feet because do not know which end is up.
I also design two-for one elf. Same price as single elf. Very bargain. Clarence Thomas Elf wear black robe. Turn upside down, there is Ginni wearing giant scarf. He do not talk, but she say over and over, “The election was stolen! The election was stolen!” Saudi Prince Elf wear white robe. Take off robe. . . is Jared. Press belly and Jared squeak. If you have dog, can use for chew toy.
Donald Junior and Kimberly Elf come as glue-together pair. They do nothing, just take up space on tree.
Also there is Talking Wifes: Melania Elf—that is me—is make entirely of silicone. Body is perfect so no need for clothes. Press gem on necklace and it say, “Not tonight, Donald.” Ivana Elf dress in black. Press button she say, “I know who pushed me down the stairs.” Donald threaten to sue me. This is very hilarity because he will pay for my lawyer, so he lose even if win.
Each ornament come in individual gem-encrust box. Not real gem, of course, but will look shiny and rich. Each box also contain document that say, “This ornament have been declassified.” (My little joke.)
Ornament sold exclusively at rhyming Hobby store.
October 20, 2022 I MAKE BUCKET LIST
I do not know why is call “Bucket List,” but is many thing I wish to do before I die (none of them in bucket).
First, I wish be widow. Then I will have own money, not depend on allowance. I change name back to Knavs and hope no one remember I was marry to Trump.
I marry young, wealthy man who is hunky and handsome and sex, sex, sex until he get old and flab. Then I will take new young man. Finally, trophy wife take trophy husband.
I will move back to Melania Tower and redo apartment. Tell true, I am sick of so much gold. I wish for white wall and will hang many big portrait of me painted by many famous artist. Of course I pay all artist. I am not like cheap steak husband.
These are some other thing I wish to do:
Learn to pole dance
Go on "Dancing with Stars," but not with pole
Be on cover of “Vogue.” I hope without Trump name Anna Wintour will like me better. Also I will like me better.
I wish become fashion designer. Line will be call “Me, Melania!” Since I am Suipermodel, I will walk my own runway. Also my fashion line will be made of good material. Will not go to discount store to be sell for 99 cents, like Ivanka line. (I hope she is green of jealousy.)
I wish tell my life story of poor but beautiful girl in Slovenia who come to America as genius, become Supermodel, and rule America as most belove First Lady. I will like coffee table book with many picture. Of course cover will be photo of me on fur rug with many jewels. Maybe cover be fur and jewels. I will like it to be best seller. How much cost Poolister?
Also I will like my book to be make into movie on Lifetime channel. I will play myself. I will like to win Emmy for best actress.
Change mind. I will like instead movie to be make in Hollywood. I will be star and will win Oscar for Best Actress. Already thinking of my accept speech. (Is available Michelle Obama speech I can use?)
I will like to sex with Harry Styles.
Finally, I will take time to learn English. Always I wish to Be Best, but with study I will Be Bester.
October 22 I LEARN TO DRIVING
Today Donald tell me I can no longer have car and driver. He say, “If you want to get around, you’ll have to drive yourself.”
I am shock! I do not know how to drive. In Slovenia family have donkey cart. We take into village to buy grocery. Also we take Babica Knavs, my grandmother, for ride in cart on Sunday. No need for key or lice. Just climb into cart, click tongue, and donkey go.
When I move to New York City, no need for car. I take subway to model job. Then meet Donald and we take limo everywhere. Now all the sudden I am suppose drive? He say give me Smart Car.
Is complicate. To get lice must first get Learner Permit. To get Lerner Permit must study and take test online—in English! Then I must go to DMV to take drive test. This mean I must drive car on street. If do not pass, cannot get lice.
Also this I wish to know: Why lice need for driving? Baron come home once from school with lice. Is disgust. Donald make him shave head and burn clothes. Cannot be same lice as for driving.
At least car is right for me. Person with Genius Visa must have Smart Car.
I think is something wrong with Donald finance if he cannot pay for driver. Last time want sex, no diamond. He say, “I’m sorry to stiff you, baby, but I just don’t have the money.” This I tell you: He was not stiff. So no sex. (And for me, no diamond.)
Now I must learn driving rules. In meantime, Taxi!
October 24, 2022
10 BEAUTY AND HEALTH TIPS FROM ME, MELANIA
Many thing I know about health and beauty. I tell you here.
Even before facelift, most important thing is to keep skin moisture. Otherwise look like old glove. Skin care line I develop—no more sold, but I use myself—rich with caviar. Who do not love luxury of fish egg on face? Use the Goggle to find product for you. Not only is good caviar, also avocado or olive oil. But this I tell you from own experience: Do not put face into salad.
2. Never go out without makeup
Facial, face lift, and filler make you into person you wish to look like, but no face is perfect. For that reason, after you wake up always put on face foundation, blush, contour, highlight, lashes, brows, lipstick. Body can be naked during day but face never. Extra tip: Make sure foundation match real face color. I know man with pasty white skin who apply orange to skin. He is butt of many joke. (Also butt is many joke made.)
3. Lie about plastic surgery I learn to lie from Donald. Make no difference what photograph show from years before breast implant and face lift. Just say, “Is all natural. I never have work done.” Also good to say, “I go to hospital for procedure on kidney” or “I go on vacation to South of France.” Of course you are at home to recover. Many bandage, black and blue.
4. Smile when you lie Husband do not do this. Always he yell. But I am different. When I say, “’I never have work done,’ I make big smile. This is nature facelift. Also, when show beautiful cap teeth and plump lip, which I say is 100% natural, nobody ask about cheek implant and tight skin on face.
5. Eat very little
Of course must not eat too much. Maximum 900 calorie a day. Breakfast is black coffee. Lunch is cube of cheese and two grape. Dinner is small piece of chicken or fish and salad. If food is tasty, too much salt. Salt make bloat, so no salt. You must decide: Do you like skinny or do you like food? Cannot have both.
6. Drink very much water Water have no calorie, so when hungry you can drink it to fill stomach. However, you will very much to pee.
7. Cheat little bit with fruit Sometimes you will be so hungry you wish to kill for food. Eat small cup fruit salad so you get many mix of vitamin. But only one cup. Fruit have calorie! I hear of woman who blow up to 500 pound because she eat one extra cup of fruit.
8. Exercise to stay tone
Is not enough to be skinny. Must be skinny with some muscle on bone. Muscle give you shape. Implant can do just so much. So lift light weight, and stretch, stretch, stretch. Also to know: Exercise burn calorie. If you have glass of wine, five hour on exercise bike will burn off. Choice is yours.
9. Get enough sleep
Yes, you are sexing all night with hard body lover, but important to sleep afterward. This is why best to quit job so that you can sleep until noon. Is not enough to put face to sleep with moisturizer, you must actually leave awakeness for eight hour. You can live on husband money. This I remind you: Very important for beauty routine to marry wealthy man.
10. Embrace power of squint
When squint you look like deep thinking. Nobody have to know is because cheek implant crash into forehead.
Maybe another time I talk about hair and nail, Botox, tummy tuck, and if you should get tattoo.
October 26, 2022
I WRITE LETTER TO HILLARY
Hello. Is me, Melania Trump.
I have want to write you for long time, because often I think of you and real stolen election. Every day I think how different be if you are president and Donald continue just to cheat tax in New York (also New Jersey, and Florida). I vote for you even though Republican wife.
I remember when Donald hulk behind you on stage. I ask him why he do. He say, “Putie told me to.” You are right he is puppet. But joke on him now. Putie no more call. Only Nazi man from Hungary, and of course MAGA crazy people. North Korea man with funny haircut no more write love letters.
Also I remember one day on stage during campaign, Secret Service come to protect you from someone. You stand tall, take breath, and keep on to talk. When happen to husband, he crunch down and run off stage. He do not tell anyone this, but so scared he fill diaper.
I wish to know how to to be strong and respeck like you.
Maybe some time when I am in New York City, you can come to Melania Tower and we can get mani pedi together and have—what is call when people talk to each other? I will make for us lunch. We calorie splurge: cube of cheese, two olive, and glass of water. Also cracker.
This I wish to tell you: I make apartment more modern, less Donald. I get rid of everything gold, so if you will like gold lamp or wall scone--maybe mirror?--or curly chair in style of fancy French king name Louis, I will like you to have. I am sure you do not wish any portrait of Donald, but maybe Renoir of two girls sitting on terrace? Is very expensive and famous picture. Big Chicago art museum have copy.
The rug I do not give away yet, because maybe I need to move husband out of apartment.
Your friend (I very hope), Melania
October 28, 2022
Many diamond store near Melania Tower. I take my diamond to be appraise, because I am thinking is maybe time to make big move. (I do not get younger. Cannot claim forever age of 39.)
So I bring all my shiny gem in little sack. I hire body guard plus have my Secret Service man. Everything proteck.
Man in store put tiny telescope to eye to see each diamond. In mind I am counting my million. Maybe I will not live in Melania Tower. Instead buy big townhouse on Upper East Side. Very chic and close to shopping. Or maybe Upper West Side, in big apartment overlook Hudson River; is easier to get away to weekend home in New Jersey where parents will live.
Then floor fall out from under me. Diamond man say to me, “Í’m sorry, Mrs. Trump, but these stones are not real. They’re not even manufactured diamonds. They’re glass.”
What??? I sex for glass? ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
I am so shock cannot feel body. I go home and try to think what to do. I am thinking kill. When shock wear off, I call reporter. I do not like to be public—try always to stay out of news—but this is story about Donald Trump again cheating. I do not care when he cheat small company out of pay and make many go bankrupt. But he have cheat me, Melania! I make sure everyone know what he do, but I am embarrass by headline:
. New York Post: “Limp Trump Stiffs Wife”
. New York Times: “Former First Lady Given Worthless Stones” . CNN: “Wife claims Fake Diamonds. Trump claims Fake News”
. Fox News: “Angry Trump: ‘Diamonds Are Real’” . Inquirer: “Gold Digger Surprise: Diamonds as Fake as Breasts” . Britain’s Sun: “Rocky Road: Trump Gives Mel Phony Gems.” . Even Slovenia Times have something to say: “Melania: Tvoj oslovski voziček čaka“ (Your Donkey Cart is Waiting”)
At least engagement ring real. Is worth $9 million. Donald give to me when still have much money. I never take off so he cannot replace with fake. Also I have many real money bill in safe, so never I will have to go back to donkey cart. Still, I am now only small rich, not big wealth.
Now I auction everything in Melania Tower apartment and sue big pants off Bloat Boy. When I am finish he will ride donkey cart to hell.
October 30, 2022 TRICK AND TREAT
Secret Service lover like very much when I boss him around. I find out I like very much to be boss. Very power. For Halloween I buy from computer dominatrix outfit: black leather bustier (very, very cleavage), leather bikini bottom, thigh-high black leather boot with very high heel and . . . whip.
Box arrive. I put on, invite Secret Service lover into bedroom. He is surprise. I tie him to bed post with, how you say, silver chain bracelet the policeman give you. He go craze! Also I buy other things to put in and take out.
I hit him with whip. I have never feel so power in my life. Then we sex, sex, sex. Now I understand Stormy.
I think this will be not just for Halloween.
(For Donald, I do not dress up. Just say “No,” and hit with whip.)
November 1, 2022 ARRESTING DEVELOPMENT
After I find out that Donald give me not real gem but glass, I am pissed over. Then I read in internet how gas and soot become diamond that rain down in Jupiter. I am so excite!
I get into my Smart Car and drive there. (Finally get lice.) Yes, I know, is only half car. Once I collect many real diamond, I will buy for myself car that is bigger and smarter. Jupiter only 20 mile from Melan-a-Lago. Why I do not know about these diamond before? So much time I waste on sex with BLOATUS when I could collect diamond myself.
I get to Jupiter. I ask where is diamond. Nobody know. I try beach. Expect to find diamond all over sand. Only shell. I look also in park where is many bush. No diamond. Even I look in dumpster behind McDonald. I find only rat. This make me think of Donald. (I am so angry he cheat me with glass I put ExLax in place of chocolate. Now is flushing even more.)
I am thinking, who would know where is diamond? I find diamond store. I ask simple question to man behind counter: Where diamonds? I have come to get some. He look freeze. “There’s no need for any violence, Ma’am.”
Of course no violence, I tell him. I just come to Jupiter to take some diamond.
All the sudden police surround. I think I am in middle of rubbery. Then I feel sliver bracelet snap around my wrist. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.” Of course I think is joke. “This is no joke, Ma’am,” say officer. You are under arrest for robbery.
Husband lie, cheat, steal. Nothing happen to him. I ask where is diamond and get arrest. Is not fair!
This I tell you: Silver bracelet not sexy at all.
I say to police officer and store owner what I read in the Goggle. “Lady, that’s a different Jupiter. It’s a planet in outer space and it’s 365 million miles away.” They are very laughing at me
I am happy they let me go, but I am very disappoint to drive home with no diamond.
Then I have other idea: Oyster here on earth make pearl. Maybe I take up diving,
INTO THE CLOSET
So many people wish to see where I keep my big wardrobe. Closet is my special place, where I go not just to get dress but to think. Also sometimes to scream.
Today I take you on virtual tour. Please to follow me. We are at doorway of large closet here at Melan-a-Lago. Ten room. Some have window and furniture. Lindsay Graham visit once. He is so jealous. Three Secret Service man have to drag him out crying. Floor still have scuff mark.
First room is for accessory. I have very much jewelry, scarf, belt, and handbag. Maybe even revolver. If someone try to break into suite, I will be able to proteck myself. (Is terrible if I think someone breaking in and turn out to be husband I shoot.)
Second room for lingerie. Is many sexy lace bikini and bra. Ooh la la! These I wear for pool boy and Secret Service lover. For Donald I wear sweat pant. Since “diamond” he give me turn out to be glass, he is lucky to see me in t-shirt and big panty.
Third room for shoe. Everything for feet. Yes, furniture here because I like to put on very high heel then sit and look at them on feet. Hurt to walk in some shoes, but never hurt to sit and look. So many shoe I have, some never wear. I buy because I like. (What you call “fun fact” is Manolo himself wear only comfortable shoe.)
Next, a few room for dress, mostly for summer since Palm Beach so hot. Many dress so light is almost see-through, but with body like mine is OK. In these room many mirror. Always I like to look at me.
One room is special for my military style. Yes, is hanging picture of Fidel. Politic I do not care, but style I very much like. If Secret Service lover salute me, something extra for him. But do not call me “jefe.” Sound like I am cow.
Next room for casual clothes. I have big chest for sweater and tank top. Please do not make joke. I am talking about furniture with, how you say, pull-out box where knits are fold.
Down hallway we come to big room with many ball gown. Must have much space so that gown stay full. If press together, too flat. Mostly I wear just one time. I keep to touch. So smooth and shine. When I am growing up in Slovenia, feed sack dress is scratchy rough. I come very long way from poor girl. But maybe soon I take never-again-wear gown to wear-again store.
Now we come to very special place. Behind this door is room for dominatrix Melania. Leather, spandex, even latex. Very tight, very black, very very power. Donald do not know of this room because I do not play this with him. I bring lover here. Now move away or I snap whip.
One of these room hold safe, but I do not tell you which. I am sad and angry to tell you is now mostly empty since diamond turn out to be glass. But is still very much paper money. Also, some letter and picture I save. I can use when something from Donald I want. Also he do not know but I have copy of Pee Tape. I will use when time come.)
OK tour over. Go back to your tiny closet with cheap ugly clothes.
November 5 I JOIN ARMY
Please to salute. Today I join army. Salvation Army. I bring many ballgown to Army store.
After tour of closet, I decide is time to make room for new ballgown and, how you say, donate, beautiful gown I will never again wear. Trump family do not give, only take. But I am from Knavs family, and in Slovenia always we donate. When a girl grow out of dress, she give to smaller girl. In this way, all girl have dress to wear.
I pick Salvation Army because I like that someone always outside of store ringing bell next to giant kettle. Remind me of Slovenia when community make soup of turnip, cabbage, and potato to celebrate harvest and feed entire village.
When I walk in with many many ballgown, lady behind counter almost faint. She is so happy to see such beautiful dress. “You will make many women very happy,” she say.
One thing I tell her: I do not donate these beautiful gown so that drag queen can wear and make fun of me, Melania.”
“Oh, hon, not to worry. We hate gay people here,” she say. That is relief.
Is so many clothing inside store. Smell of used. I hold breath. Then I see entire rack of brand-new dress with Ivanka Trump label. Now I know who buy these thing! I take many picture to post on my Facebook page.
“We have them in all our stores,” sales lady say.
I wish to see Ivanka face when she read what I write: Big bargain at Salvation Army. New Ivanka Trump clothes at tiny price. Is much more where this come from.
On way back, I get text from Lindsay Graham. He is asking which Salvation Army is gown. I give him wrong address. At least he will have Ivanka clothes to wear.
November 7, 2022 I AM ENGLISH CONFUSE
I work hard to be good speaker of English. To Be Best. But English is confuse to me.
First I hear people call Donald “magnate.” Yes, is true thing to stick to him. Like when he eat in bed, which he always do. Sometimes I see him with Cheeto still stuck to behind. But how do anyone else know that? OK, maybe one time I say Donald attract trouble because always he cheat, but I do not call him magnate. Is scientific impossible. This I look up on the Goggle.
News on TV that in civil suit from New York State, Donald may be arrest and must to make “pup walk.” Donald do not have dog. If do have, he pay someone else to walk. Maybe they put Donald on leash? This I think is good idea. Do also for Ivanka. (For Junior and Eric, kennel is better.)
Also, why is called “suit”? Donald suit baggy and blue. Must be big enough to hide diaper. Law suit is just white paper.
There is more.
I do not understand why I am call “First Lady” when there is many First Lady before me, and now after me. If Donald is 45 president, why I am not “45 Lady”? This make more sense to me. My English not so good, but I can count.
“FLOTUS” worst word. Sound like trash on water.
Some people still make fun of me for “Be Best.” This I do not understand. Always I try Be Best, even Bester. Is better to “Be Worster?”
Also, I am call “polyglot.” How many times I need to say this is no more true. I stop that when meet Donald and he pay for everything. Why people continue to say that I do not know. Make me angry.
Also, why is expression “blow top” when angry? If my top blow off, I could be accuse of, how you say, indecent exposion. Yes, of course, breasts beautiful—cost very much money and must be maintain—but I do not expose. Tight top is enough. (Pose naked is different. Is art. And only with fur and jewel.)
Now leave me loan. I mean it, leave me big loan. I need more shoes and already I spend allowance for month.
November 9, 2022
NO HOT FLASH FOR DONALD
Already I tell you I am English confuse. Now I tell you I am politic confuse. Why is call midnight election? Most people vote during day. Some also vote by mail. So why is midnight election? Do not make sense.
Donald expecting hot flash from voter. Husband always sweat too much, so why he want hot flash I do not understand. He call it Big Red Wave. This I tell you: Most candidate Donald push to win do not win. One TV news person say, “Donald Trump is in the rearview mirror.”
I think Donald hear same TV because very screaming come from Donald suite. I send Secret Service to check on him. They say to me, “He’s throwing ketchup again.” I tell you where is Big Red Wave. Is in Donald suite. Cleaning staff do not wish anymore to work for him. Too much ketchup, too much toilet clog. Too much Donald.
I watch election while get mani pedi. I do not vote for Marco Rubio, but he win. Also do not vote for Ron DeSanto but he win. I am still register republican, but I vote for Crist. Is not Jesus, but is better than Ron. Whole state of Florida crazy. Do you know who else is elect? Horse-face bleach blond lady with big mouth and gun. This is big red sewage dump.
MAGA barnacle will stick with Donald, but everybody else pulling away. People call Donald “political burden” and “biggest loser of election he is not even running in.” He is craze from anger! Still thinking everyone love him but finding out now is not so much true. Wait until DeSanto run for president. I will pop the corn and watch.
Yes, I continue to live at Melan-a-Lago (with many lock on door). I have much money and life is easy. But this I tell you: Donald Trump in my rearview mirror, too.
November 10, 2022 IS NOT MY FAULT
Bloat Boy blame me for Dr. Oz loosing election. He say I tell him to support.
Do he listen to me when I say, Do not run for president? No. Do he listen to me when I say, second time, Do not run for president? No Do he listen to me when I tell him get in trouble for tax cheat? No Do he listen to me when I say, Do not try to overthrow government? No Do he listen to me when I say, Putin is dangerous man? No
Do he listen to when I say, Not tonight Donald? No. (But I lock door, so he hear click when stand in hallway.)
But all the sudden is my fault that he look like idiot? He look like idiot because is idiot.
This he tell NewsNation: 'I think if they win, I should get all the credit. And if they lose, I should not be blamed at all.' That is not politic. That is dementia.
But now he blame me for Dr. Oz. I just want nice Hollywood wizard in Washington. Too much crazy. I was wanting little magic. And maybe some emerald.
Yes, I admit: I am wrong about Oz. From now I listen to Oprah. I invite her to Melan-a-Lago for mani pedi. We talk.
November 11, 2022
Donald leave ketchup behind to be Father of Bride. This I mean true: Ketchup on behind leak through to seat of pants. At least I think is ketchup. He is not happy because so many people he support for midnight election loose race.
Now he must put on happy face mask to be Father of Bride. Tiffany getting married tomorrow. She is flipping over with hurricane just before wedding. For rehearsal dinner Donald and Tiffany both twitching. Some lady look at me and say, “Like father, like daughter.” I do not know who she is. Then she remind me, “I’m Marla.”
I do not get involve. Marla is Mother of Bride. But this I can tell you: Big hurricane make everything craze here at Melan-a-Lago. Is Category 1 hurricane, but Donald telling everyone “This hurricane is a 10. It’s the biggest, believe me.”
We do not leave, even though much wind and we see water coming close. Everyone already here is stuck inside. But many guests cannot fly in because so much flight cancelled. Tiffany big day getting smaller.
Donald say he know this is Tiffany special day, but I see look on face that tell me he is up to something. I am worry he will announce run for president just before bride and groom walk down carpet. Always he must be center of attention.
Wedding favor is classified document plus coupon for 5% off next stay at Melan-a-Lago. Also picture of him with Vladimir Putin. Everything in envelope with Presidential seal. I save one for FBI.
I tell you more after wedding.
November 13, 2022
What I can tell you about Tiffany wedding? Bride look beautiful. Well, I say it this way: She look as beautiful as someone who look like Tiffany can look.
Groom is handsome, but Donald complain about groom dark skin: “She couldn’t marry a blond billionaire?”
Table in ballroom is fill with many wedding present. These I know about:
. Ivanka and Jared give newlywed couple all-expense vacation to Saudi Arabia. From three children is extra present: burka for Tiffany to wear at pool
. Donald Junior and Kimberly give couple a yacht. This I think Junior find on beach after storm. Quick paint coat and nobody know belong to someone else. Kimberly twerk while Junior give wedding toast
. Eric and Lara give toaster. Not even gemstones will make this nice gift. Eric say toaster was on bridal registry. Yes, maybe, but not from Target
. Barron make macaroni figure of bride and groom. Tiffany say no to put on wedding cake, so Barron give instead for present. Groom family wish to meet little Barron. Very surprise when see teenage boy who is seven feet tall
. Mike Lindell give pillow. Tiffany must like. I see her put face into one. No, excusing, I am wrong. I think she do not like. I see her screaming into it
. Lindsay Graham give set of luxury His and His towels. I think is regifting
. Dr. Oz not invite but send year supply of hormone weight loss pills. Tiffany very insult
. Ron DeSanta also is not invite, but he send rosary bead and crucifix. Groom family like religious gift. Donald think is for exorcism of Trump family. Maybe this is true. Is delivered by priest
. Elon Musk invite because nobody think he will come. He send new Tesla. Car drive itself up to front entrance. Then very surprise: Elon jump out of frunk
Big drama when Rudy Giuliani try to crash wedding. He say he lose invitation, but name not on list. Security do not just escort him away, they put him on helicopter. I am not sure where they send him, but I hear him screaming, “No, no, not over the ocean!”
Putin send two goblets. Very beautiful Russian crystal. Come with little vial that say “Love potion.” Donald go craze! He call CDC who tell him, “Do not open. Put in plastic and wait for FBI.” Very drama when FBI arrive in hazmat suit. They put little vial into big safety container. They look at Donald and say, “We’ll be back for you.”
Donald try to look tough, but he leak into diaper. He go to apartment to change it. Maybe also to flush more document into toilet.
Entire wedding party do not know any of this is happen. Elon leading everyone in group dance to YMCA.
November 15, 2022
LAST OF WEDDING
Now that confetti sweep up and Donald getting ready for “big announcement,” I tell you last little bit about wedding.
Groom call it a “Lebanese Amerian wedding.” Donald leak a little into diaper when hear this. In toast he say “My daughter is not a lesbian, and neither is the groom.” Guest laugh and clap thinking is joke. Is not.
Also he say to me, “I think that kid looks like Danny Thomas. Did anyone invite Marlo?” I say hello to someone I do not know just to get away from him. This I tell you: Elevator do not go to top of bulb.
Tiffany wear lace dress design by Elie Saab. Why car designer? I do not know. At lease is not by designer of VW; otherwise cannot tell front from back. All bridemaid in light blue. Maid of Honor Ivanka look like Blue Wave Barbie.
This I do not know until fashionista tell me: Ivanka dress almost exact copy of one wear by Grace Kelly before she become Princess Grace. She wear it in movie. Do you know name? “To Catch a Thief.” (Merrick Garland, you are reading this?)
Tiffany only adult child of Donald who is not under investigation. I say to Marla, You do something right. She say same thing to me about Barron. Keep them away from Donald is better for children. All the sudden we are best friend—a least for day. Yes, Donald cheat on her with me, but she cheat with him on Ivana. Is long time ago. Many bridge over water, so no more is problem.
Tiffany and Michael have first bride and groom dance to “Dancing in the Moonlight.” When “Strangers in the Night” come on, Donald ask me dance with him. This is very hilarity to me, because often I have stranger in the night. Well, not stranger, but not husband.
Later in evening I am in own suite, high heel off, relax with my Secret Service boyfriend, when I realize Junior and Kimberly getting married next. Maybe by then Donald and Junior (also Ivanka and Gummy Boy) will be in prison. Wedding can be on Zoom. Everyone in orange.
Maybe good episode for “Love During Lockup?” I pop the corn and watch.
November 18, 2022
DONALD BIG ANNOUNCE
Donald cannot contain himself. Other night have big party at Melan-a-Lago to announce he run for president in 2024. As usual he come too soon.
Donald say, “In order to make America great and glorious again, I am announcing my candidacy for president of the United States. America’s comeback starts right now.” Where do it go? I do not say this out loud, but everything better with Joe.
MAGA people go to big announcement. And Eric. Nobody else from family. Ivanka announce, "This time around, I am choosing to prioritize my young children and the private life we are creating as a family." This I ask: Children were not younger four years ago? I think she wish to spend time now because maybe in prison later. Junior say nothing, just do not show up.
I do not attend but do not make big statement. Also, I do not go to prison.
Of course Rudy try again to get into Melan-a-Lago but security keep him out. “Didn’t we dump you over the Atlantic?” one guard ask him. “I can swim,” say Rudy. Hair dye wash out. Little bit of hair left is completely white.
“Not even the sharks wanted him,” say guard.
Donald very angry his big announce get only little attention. New York Post call him “Florida Man” and put story on Page 27. Fox News cut away while he is talking. Hannity say, “We’ll cut back if he says anything interesting.” Donald diaper so full he almost cannot walk back up to his suite.
This I tell you: If Donald win, will live in White House by himself. Four year I am prisoner there. I admit I do not always make best decision, but I am angry to be stuck there. Why red Christmas tree? I wish to stab husband but cannot. I make bloody tree instead. I so much wish to leave I pull up rosebush in garden instead.
Now I have nice suite in Florida. Parents happy to stay here. Secret Service lover and Pool Boy very happy I will stay here. Baron will go off to college, or maybe work for Four Season Landscaping Company.
If you ask me, I say I do not think Donald will be elect. Santa Man is big threat. Even Indian woman with white lady name, Nikki Haley, have eye on job.
I do not know yet who I will vote for, but this I tell you: Will not be Donald.
November 22, 2022
GETTING READY FOR THANKSGIVING AT MELAN-A-LAGO
We do not have Thanksgiving Day in Slovenia. But now we are American—mother, father, and me, Melania—so here we celebrate with our American boy, Barron.
I am just learning important of this day. Undocument immigrant come here from England in tiny flower boat in 1620. Indian already living here. They hope these flower boat people leave soon so they make big dinner to say, “Thank you for coming. Now go away.” First Thanksgiving menu is corn, squash, bean and Butterball turkey.
Since that time, American tradition is to cook turkey. Also to take away Indian land.
This year, for first time I cook turkey. If you buy frozen, is like rock and must defrost for many day. Important thing is to clean out everything inside. Best to have maid do. If you are poor, put on glove and do it yourself. Then you can stuff with many kind of food. Cookbook say cornbread and chestnut, or sausage and rice, or cheese and something call crouton, or apple and bacon, or cranberry. One strange stuffing resipe suggest oyster. What America is thinking? Will take forever for shell to cook!
Another strange American resipe is to stuff turkey with duck and then stuff duck with chicken. Is call—I do not make this up—turducken. This is why I am so English confuse.
Mother, Amalija, suggest each of us prepare a turkey with different stuffing. This is like Big British Bakeoff except with dead bird. She choose cabbage and potato. (She choose cabbage and potato for everything.) Father Viktor choose lobster and sausage. He call it “surf and turf.” (I am thinking “clot and stroke.”) Barron stuff his turkey with tofurky (again I am English confuse) and season with what he say is oregano. I think maybe is something else.
We are in big Melan-a-Lago kitchen, singing while we stuff. We sing in Slovenian to thank anchor husband for many nice place to live and very much money to spend. (And very much money to hide.) Also we sing to say we hope he go to jail and we never see him again.
Donald hear singing and come to see what is happen. He say also he wish to stuff turkey. He have special resipe. Stuff with spaghetti. Excuse, I tell you wrong. Is shred document. Even cranberry do not make this good to eat. I tell him, Put ketchup on it and eat it yourself.
Do I mention we also make pie? Baron try something he learn about in school. Is call piecaken. This is turducken of pastry. Is pecan pie, pumpkin pie, spice cake, and apple pie layer together with frosting. Mother say is typical American: too much of everything. She make her specialty, cabbage and potato pie. Father make lemon pie with white fluff on top, name I do not know how to spell. Donald tell father is not manly to make pie, especially one so fluff. Father do not even look up. Say, “Odjebi, ti,” and keep pie making.
Donald demand to know what say father. I translate: ”You will be sorry later when delicious pie all gone.” When Donald leave we all laugh. Really mean “Fuck off.”
Once all the turkey are stuff and pie in oven, mother say, “Now we plan for Christmas.” Fine, I buy present for everyone, but I wish nothing to do with tree.
November 24, 2022 WE THANKS
Four turkey in oven, almost done. Mother is mashing turnip—favorite vegetable of Knavs family. Many delicious pie is cooling. Everybody feeling, how you say, with light in head. Is aroma from Barron tofurkey seasoning. He admit is not oregano. Father so much light in head is dancing around his lemon pie with white fluff.
I am thankful for American passport for me and for parents. I am thankful also for very much money and many, many shoe.
Donald do not join us for dinner. He have bad few days with judges and news. Also his turkey burn up in oven. Shred document stuffing catch fine. He is in apartment throwing ketchup.
Everyone around table thankful we are not Donald.
December 1, 2022
I MAKE CHRISTMAS LIST
Thanksgiving now and December begin, so I am thinking about Christmas present. What give to people who have everything?
For Mother I will give goat. Always she is afraid we will again be poor. Goat mean never go hungry. There is much green grass at Melan-a-Lago for goat to eat. Also, I give her gift card to Costco.
Father work as chauffer when young man, so now he do not like to drive. To him I will give Town Car and driver. He think he will have much freedom. Do not realize Mother will make him take her all the time to Costco.
Barron want Maserati. This is too much car for schoolboy, so I will give Jeep. If he do not like, instead will be new sneaker so he can walk.
Donald children do not need anything. All have plenty of father money. (But I will like to give big mouth Kimberly one-way ticket out of Florida. Also extra ticket so she can take boyfriend with her.)
Donald grandchildren—three of Ivanka, five of Donald Junior, and two of Eric—always I give something, even though they do not like me. (I see them make squint face when think I am not looking.) I tell them present is from Dedek Mraz, Slovenian Santa. Everybody get big piece of coal in Tiffany box. Also piece of chocolate. I hope they are smart enough to know difference.
For Secret Service lover already I give toy. This is not from children store. Also I will give Naughty and Nice calendar with different position for every day of Christmas season. I am escite for day when we put Partridge in a Pear Tree.
For me special present. I figure out pincode to Donald secret safe (is “kingofworld”). I do not take anything. I call FBI. Merry Christmas to them. And to me.
Almost I forget. To Donald I give fresh bird from grocery store because he tell me, “My goose is cooked.”
December 3, 2022
GOOSE STILL COOKING
After Donald play date with little nazi friends, I am hearing much yelling and stamping of feet from Donald apartment. Sound like when two-year-old is tell No.
I remember when Barron is two. When he want to do something and I say No, he act like stubborn donkey, hank and kick. This is what I hear from next door.
First a judge rule that Donald do not have executive privilege. This mean ally and people who work for him must tell truth about Donald action. (Now I understand why Donald say goose is cook.) Tax document must go to prosecutor. Also many more document go to January 6 Committee. Everybody sharpening knife.
I think not just goose but whole poultry farm is cooking.
Also, if New York Attorney General investigate Ivanka, Junior, and Eric, will find turducken of grift.
December 6, 2022 GREETINGS!
Big company offer me job to make line of greeting card. I say no. But then I think, why I do not create my own company instead? I call it Mellmark. I make Melania Greeting Card for All Occasion.
Special feature of every card is bright, bright, bright with glitter, shine, and gem! But always tasteful. I write all words on outside and inside of card. See if you like as much as I do.
Cosmetic Surgery Greetings
Congratulation on new facelift
. . . Just tell people you went into hospital for kidney operation
Best wish on third anniversary of nose job
. . . You are still poor, but at least nose is smaller
Good luck with tummy tuck
. . . This is what happen when you do not starve yourself
Congratulations on new implants
. . . You can use for flotation device if yacht sink
Card for Blend Family Happy Birthday to son of husband late ex-wife
. . . You are not getting better. You are getting older
Get well to daughter of husband second ex-wife
. . . Remind me: Who are you again?
Sweet Sixteen to husband granddaughter
. . . I do not like your mother, but you are nice
Happy Birthday to son
. . . Please stop growing
Happy Anniversary to stepmother and her new boyfriend
. . . Does Dad know you’re boffing the pool boy?
I’m sorry I call you a gold digger
. . . Is not easy to be Trophy Wife to flabby old man
I’m sorry I call your father nazi
. . . But you know is poster of hitler in his bedroom
Please forgive me for say your new fiancée look like Leona Helmsley
. . . She look more like The Joker
I was wrong to say your gums take up most of your face
. . . Is maybe only 25 percent
Sympathy Card for Special Occasion Deepest sympathy that you are indicted . . .
. . . for cheating, grifting, lying, and inciting insurrection
Condolence your overweight husband do not wake up
. . . Is about time. He should have drop dead long time ago from so many burger
Sorry your new car not a Bentley
. . . You must cheat more on taxes to afford better car
So sorry you shred your IRAs thinking they were Top Secret documents
. . . Is because you panic. Also you are stupid
Too Bad You Bury Your Mother under Golf Course
. . . But your father take big tax deduct
Marriage and Divorce Congratulation on engagement
. . . Hope ring is big
Best wishes on your starter marriage
. . . In five years trade up for better looking and more money
All the best. You are now Trophy Wife you always wanted to be
. . . Keep him away from Viagra
Congratulations, You are now free to marry your mistress
. . . She want good prenup and big ring
. . . No more you have to suffer under 250 lbs. of dead weight.
Next I work on my line of warm Holiday Greeting
December 10, 2022 TRADING PLACES
I am glad tall basketball player return home from Russian jail. But this I wish to know: Why Donald do not go in trade instead of man who sell arm?
I tell him: Is very much gold in Kremlin. Not gold plate like faucet and toilet here. Is real. Solid gold. In Kremlin is $1 billion dollar worth of gold and treasure. Many crown. Many armor and sword. Also jewel. (Almost I wish to go instead) President Palace so big and rich that Melan-a-Lago look like little dollhouse to compare.
Also Kremlin surround by wall. No one have to pay because already build.
Putin have no friend and trust no one. Donald same. Is like they are twin. Could be Czar and Czar. Kremlin even have throne for two people. Is perfect.
I keep to suggest to him this idea, beause more prisoner wish to come back to USA. This mean more opportunity for Donald to trade himself. I remind him jail wait for him here. Is good time to go.
I am thinking: Maybe could take with him movie lady name Kyrsten
December 14, 2022 CHRISTMAS TREE & SANTA
This is now season for Christmas tree and Santa. After 29 red tree I select for White House when I am First Lady—what people call “handmaid tree” and “hallway of alien menstruation”—no more I have like for Christmas tree.
Barron now in charge. He bring real fir tree for his apartment, artificial tree for parents apartment, and palm tree for me. All is green. My tree is palm because I wish never again be remind of White House evergreen.
Donald have own tree deliver. Maybe he throw ketchup on it. I do not care. Barron suggest ketchup packet. Not so messy. Cleaning staff will like. But he is not part of holiday.
Parents and Barron very excite. They make the nog nog and decorate with many thing to put on tree. Mine stay plain, also outside.
Barron tree is seven feet tall, same height he is. He decorate with many toy he have since little boy. Will float drone on top of tree instead of star. Parents traditional: glass ball, snow globe, lights, and beautiful angel on top—blond and white, like Jesus.
So three different tree. By coincidench, we also have three Slovenian Santa.
Božiček is like American Santa Claus, also dress in red suit and bring present. Everybody like. He come on Christmas Eve but do not say Ho Ho Ho. This I am glad of.
Sveti Miklavž is like your Saint Nicholas, but bring gift on December 5. Many story about Sveti Miklavž. One tell about family so poor, daughter must be prostitute to support family. Sveti Miklavž bring bag of gold coin to family while they are sleeping and girl is save. I do not know why, but this story seem so familiar to me.
Finally is Dedek Mraz, know in West as Grandfather Frost. When Slovenia is still Yugoslavia, Communist leader Tito invent to take attention away from saint. In Tito story, Dedek Mraz come down from mountain on New Year Day wearing very nice fur coat. He have long white beard and deliver more present. I do not care about present (unless money or diamond), but I like fur coat. Too bad Christmas in Palm Beach is 85 degree.
Now I must go watch family hang balls on tree. Old and shrivel ones we put in box and leave outside door to Donald apartment.
December 16, 2022
THE BUTTER DID IT
Always unexpect here at Melan-a-Lago. Other day, big butter sculpture of Paula Deen is unload at front door.
I am perplex. Who order 200 pound of butter in shape of chef lady from Food Network? Then it make strange sound like hungry cat, “yall, yall, yall.” This sound I do not know. Also it move. Surprise to me, is real Paula Deen.
This is chef who make deep-fry butter. Also who put hamburger between two donut and call it lunch.
Donald invite. Then I understand. Big blob of butter come to see big blob of lard. At least is plenty of ketchup to put on donutburger.
I tell parents, we go to Jupiter to get away. (City, not planet. But this you know.) We have nice lunch there. Nobody order burger.
Then I see on news that husband make card of himself to sell for $99. In one card he look like hard-body superhero. I laugh so much almost pee on my Manolos. Nothing on husband is hard, including you-know-what.
Barron also see news about Donald card. He text me: “Mom, please tell me he’s not my real dad.”
December 19, 2022
LOVE DURING LOCKUP
Soon as January 6 people recommend Donald be prosecute, I hear giant scream from suite next door and much bang, bonk, and crash. I think is throwing furniture. This I know: He throw so much ketchup that when I walk down hallway little bit later, look like scene from “The Shining.” Secret Service think is, how you say, mascara, and wish to evacuate building. I say, “No, is just Donald having tantrum with tomato condiment. Call cleaning staff.”
Cleaning staff will no more do. Instead industrial decontamination crew is call. Big truck pull up outside with giant vacuum to suck out everything. Too bad do not suck out husband, but he is too big for tube.
Just now I get phone call from producer of TV show call “Love During Lockup.” This show I do not know, but producer explain is story of couples, one in jail the other living regular life. He say he would like to make series of me and Donald.
I tell them, “Then you need two TV show. I live my life. Donald live his. Very little together.”
I explain. “I get manipedi, do Pilates, shop, have sex with boyfriend and then sex with other boyfriend. Sometimes watch TV with Barron or go to lunch with parents. Donald I do not know what he do. Probably eat many burger, throw ketchup, watch porn, and grift someone. In jail he will need many diaper. Make poop when afraid.”
Producer ask, “Well then why are you married.” Do he never hear of Prenup? Be married is my income.
Then producer ask, “What about ‘Life After Lockup’?”
First, I wish to know why is so many show about lockup. Then I tell him, “I do same thing after Donald lockup as during and before: get manipedi, do Pilates, shop, sex with boyfriend and then sex with other boyfriend. Sometimes watch TV with Barron or go to lunch with parents. If survive prison, Donald will continue to stuff face, watch porn, and grift.”
If Prenup allow, producer can follow me. Since I become dominatrix, I like when someone watch. Also, maybe I can do show call Ask Melania. My advices about romance, fashion, politic, and life is very useful to very many people.
But I tell producer that I wish my show to be call “Life Without Donald.”
I am ready to testify. If not possible, I will like to be on jury.
December 21, 2022 GOOSED
Barron text me: “Since when has dad become a chef?
I text back: Is not chef. Cannot make even sandwich
Barron text: “I hear him in his apartment screaming over and over, ‘My goose is cooked.’”
I watch news so I know why he ask. I tell Barron: Is just expression. Do not worry. Your father just like to scream.
But this I know: Goose is not just cook but burning. I correct. Is many burning gooses. Taxes. Insurrection. Justice department investigation. Still top secret paper Donald hide. All big flaming.
I text Barron to say, Do your homework. I go shopping.
I bring big bag. Is time to take out cash money from joint bank account. I buy more jewelry, shoe, and clothes while credit card still working. I wish to look good when Donald go on trial. Will be many TV camera.
Never know when or where meet second husband.
December 23, 2022
I WRITE CHILDREN BOOK
Greeting card business so much success I decide to write children book for many grade level. Here I describe some I am working on now.
“Grandpa Go to Jail”
Who is that man in orange jumpsuit with buzz cut? Is Grandpa! Wheel on bus go round as we take ride to see him. We bring Diet Coke, Burger King, and superhero trading card.
“Itsy Bitsy Nazi”
Republican school, call madrassa, want book that teach children to hate. They ask for Charlie and the Munitions Factory, Harriet the Lesbian Spy, Little Veiled Women, Where the Night Vision Goggles Are, and Charlotte’s AR-15. I say no. Instead I write about Itsy Bitsy Nazi Spider that climb up water spout and get smash by giant Jimmy Choo pump.
“Where is Wild Thing”
Little Donnie have tantrum so Mother send him to bed. In dream he dress like elephant wearing long red tie and is surround by many animal who call him king. There is turtle with very power, many cowardly lion who wish for some power, mean green lady, and bad wolfs who wish to devour women. Little Donnie wake up to find Mother leave him in real forest with real wild animal. They eat him for lunch.
“Henry Have Two Mommie”
Little Henry live in fear that his two Mommie will be stalk and kill by white men with gun until one day Congress pass law to protect. But still he is afraid because you never know when crazy man will think is send by Jesus or Donald to make world safe for Marjorie Taylor Greene. Henry and two Mommie work with neighbors for gun control. Henry learn from neighbor that boy can also wear sequin.
“Little Ivanka Get Nose Job”
Even though daddy wish to date her, little blond girl never feel pretty enough until she have surgery for new small nose. Then grow up and get surgery to have big breast and tummy tuck. Transform from Democrat to Republican. Now is pretty but nobody like her.
“Princess Have a Penis”
Everybody get to be princess if they wish. Even boy. Sometime is transgender. Sometime is transvestite. Sometime, straight boy just like to wear women clothes—like your cousin or maybe son.
“Prince Get Her Period”
Sometime girl wish to be the one who chase after princess. Also, wish more freedom and power. Maybe just like to wear pants. I do photo shoot like this once, except no pants. Forget I say this. Is too much information for Fifth Grade.
“Hortense Hears a Ho”
Teenage Hortense love clothes and jewelry family can never afford. Then one day she go to America and meet much older wealthy man. Soon she is wearing jewel she always want and go live in big gold tower. She have many expensive clothes. Also many many shoe. But this is not fairy tale. Wealthy old man now out of shape and senile and she is stuck in marriage she can never leave.
“The Kosher Boy and the Crown Prince: A Love Story”
Two young men from different religion meet halfway around world and fall in love. “Everybody understand international language of negotiation,” say Kosher Boy. “And murder,” say Crown Price. This is love story children will never forget
“Someone in our Family is Nazi”
Everyone in family will love this book! Using clue, they must decide who in family is nazi. Could be father, who tell armed crazy people to break into Capitol? Mother who is closet dominatrix? Adult sons who snort coke and appear on Fox News? Their spouse who do not seem to have job? Daughter who design clothes for discount store? Is teenage son who show no interest in family business? Or daughter no one remember? And what about crazy neighbor, name of Rudy, who keep trying to get in—or his tenant, Auntie Lindsey, who live in closet? Book full of suspents. (Soon to be Lifetime movie inspire by book. Is call, “Nazi She Wrote”)
I forget to tell you name of my book company. Is Trophy Wife Press. In this way I can be role model for children.
December 28, 2022 I MAKE LIST
For 2023 is many thing I wish do better.
I feed hungry.
I find shelter for homeless.
Also, make sure good education afford for everyone who need.
Very important: no more bully, especially on social media.
I visit Fox News to say: You must be kinder.
I support immigrant to this country, even if do not have creamy white skin like me.
Instead of buy more shoe, I give money to single mother.
I pray for world peace.
Oh, big mistake. I get holiday mix up. I am thinking this is April Fool.
December 31, 2022 HELL TOUPEE
This year end and so do my post. I am writing since is summer. Now run out of word in English. Maybe more another time, but for now, finish.
To say nasvidenje—goodbye—I leave you with laugh word, call joke: